Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Breaking News - Project Natal

Microsoft is working on a truly revolutionary controller, or rather... a lack of one, for the Xbox 360. Check out the following videos.





Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "The Last Xbox" only on Ranting-TV…

Monday, June 1, 2009

Breaking News - Bulls Stomp Bears!

Once again, the bulls have resumed their stomping ways. On the same day that the largest bankruptcy in the world has taken place, the market is up and away. While this has left many professors and negative-nellies scratching their heads, others have realized that the game is stacked. You can't lose, when the government climbs into the bullpen.

Anyway, natural gas has resumed it's climb higher after taking a two week hiatus and (upside) panic is starting to settle into the stock market. People have been left out of the rally, there hasn't been a 30% pullback and mutual fund and hedge fund managers are looking pretty stupid right now. Stories about the end-of-the-world and coffin-humping only convince your partners for a while. After a while, you start to look stupid. When the market is up 30-40% and you missed it, it's your head on the chopping block. That's the cold reality of money management.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "When Bulls Attack Part 2" only on Ranting-TV…

Friday, May 29, 2009

Video - Cute Animals Eating!

RTNN is pleased to present you with the following video presentation. It's cute animals eating, of course! Enjoy.



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Nom, nom, nom, nom" only on Ranting-TV…

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Breaking News - My Whereabouts!

My last post was May 8th. I have been inundated by questions from desperate fans of this blog. I should explain my whereabouts.

As an ace reporter I was undercover working on my greatest story yet. I was staying at a lovely cabin near Silver Creek, Colorado working on my project. After finishing, I got into my 65 Mustang and began my trip back home to present my work to my boss Bob D. Ogre. But I was caught out in a blizzard and my car went off the road. I think I heard somebody talking to me... but I blacked out.

When I awoke, I found myself in a house and I was greeted by a woman named Annie Wilco. She went on to explain that she was a nurse and she had to set the bones in both my legs, and snapped my shoulder back into place (the accident dislocated it). She provided me with orange pain pills every two hours. She fed me, changed my bandages and always made sure my legs where tugged into the bedsheets.

Annie told me that she was my number one fan and avid viewer of all things RTNN. Her favorite post was my rant on facial yoga. She memorized the entire post and was able to recite it from memory. I had a good feeling about her.

Unfortunately, I was unable to contact anybody since the phone lines, cell towers and Internet access were all out. Well, that's what Annie told me.

A week later, a strange event occurred. Annie was feeding me soup one evening and all of a sudden she started to rant about how much I swear in my posts. She wanted me to stop using curse words... she was a god-fearing woman and felt that I was a dirty bird when I swore.

"Do I ask how the fuck the postman is doing this morning?", she screamed, "Maybe I should just add shit to everything I say, like those morons on Trailer Park Boys!"

I didn't say a word. Frankly, it shocked me... She apologized the next day for her outburst. "Oh, Johnny, I'm your number one fan! You are a genius! All other blogs are 3rd tierd. RTNN is my life!", she commented to me on an hourly basis.

One cold, rainy night she came into my room with a knife.

"I was just chopping onions, but it looks like the phone lines are back up. So I called the hospital and asked the ambulance to come get you. They should be here in a few minutes. They will take you to the hospital. I'm so relieved that you are going to be ok."

I thanked Annie profusely for saving my life before I was taken to the hospital. I just returned home. What a super lady!

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Misery" only on Ranting-TV…

Friday, May 8, 2009

Video - Screw Sea-Doos!

Oh my god. I have to have one of these! I just don't know if I can tow it with the Porsche. And at $128,000, it's cheap enough that even nuvo riche jerkoffs can afford one. Up, up and away!

Ok, now run the blooper reel. I'd pay good money to see this clown crash into a fucking tree! Ha ha ha...



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Batteries not Included" only on Ranting-TV…

This Just In - Steak!

Mrs. BTO and myself are off to enjoy the weekend outdoors by eating BBQ steak, drinking fine beer and generally enjoying life. Remember, human beings are outdoor creatures... so spend some time in the sun.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Steak and Beer and Sun, Oh My!" only on Ranting-TV…

Do the Natty-Gas Dance!

If you fucking short-sellers step up to Natty-G, you are going have your ass handed to you big time. Natural Gas is rippin' up and despite a 60% pop in the HNU since my call I think it can go even higher. Enjoy!



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Natty-G Bitch-Slaps Bears!" only on Ranting-TV…

Editorial - All Aboard!

Folks, yesterday you witnessed a rare moment in Johnny's life. After being shaken out of the market, most people would be petrified right now. Not me. The market showed signs of life in the after hours last night, and I waited for weakness in specific financial and retail stocks before reloading: lock, stock and barrel. I scooped them up with great vigor.

Keep this in mind. There are billions and billions of dollars sitting out on the sidelines, waiting for 30% declines to try to re-live the glory days of the past two months. If we get a 10% pullback, that will be a godsend to those folks. Eventually, they won't be able to take it anymore and will pile into the market as we go into summer. This "green shoot" overrides everything else.

That's what I briefly forgot yesterday.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Jenga: Hedge Fund Version" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - Head Fake!

Ah, shit. That bitch Mother-Market faked me out, yesterday. The stress test results that came out have inspired confidence and it looks like financials are to be bought. And the unemployment numbers were not as bad as everybody thought (even though they are still TERRIBLE). I always forget how many folks are underweight financials these days.

Whatever. It's not a big deal. We could have easily sold off this morning. The market is acting exactly like a bull market. The market goes up, up, up and then get hits with a sharp decline over a very short period of time (5%-7%). Then it continues higher.

I'm buying things that are going up, and selling things that are going down. Simple.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Head Fake with Mother Market" only on Ranting-TV…

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Update - Book Profits

The market has a different feeling today. The scent of hungry clowns, is in the air. The news seems to be all in the market now. You know, I'm feeling a little piggish, after this monster two month run, so I'm locking in most of my gains. Nobody ever got hurt taking a profit. I want to keep some of my powder dry. No damn way I want to be short here, but financials and consumer cyclical feels a little toppy.

The market is still going to go higher in the longer term, but in the short term, I will use any big pull-backs to get back into the market at better prices. Natural Gas is still rocking higher... HNU is up almost 12% today.

Stock Market Update: I'm out of everything except Natural Gas and Swine Flu.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Reload!" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - Saab Egg Roll!

There is a rumor that China's Geely is making a bid for Saab. I think that it's the key piece of the puzzle that China needs in order to bolster their position as a bona-fide car maker.

There is no doubt that China is a world powerhouse when it comes to manufacturing. But they have not been able to "brand" their products. Geely, for example, doesn't mean shit around the world. Look at the picture on the left, the top picture is a Mercedes and the bottom is a Geely "rip-off". That's the Chinese car industry in a nutshell. Cheap, fake, chinese shit. No self-respecting first-worlder is going to purchase THAT!

Same goes for their clothing. They have no style and no brand. The quality varies and typically are just rip-offs of well-known designers.

But they now understand what they need to do. They need a brand. And the only way they are going to get one is by buying one. If they owned the Saab brand for example, they would not have to go through the trouble of trying to create one themselves (and the Chinese are hopeless when it comes to that). The one thing that they are good at doing, is ripping off other peoples ideas, so this would be a perfectly legal way to do so. Saab is a well-known trusted brand, and as long as it's a reasonably-high quality product it will sell around the world.

You see, intellectual property and branding is the only thing that the US does really well. But soon, China will start to take that too.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "History of Saab: European, American, or Chinese?" only on Ranting-TV…

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Do the Natty-Gas Shuffle!

Ever since I said it was time to buy natural gas, TSX:HNU (2x NatGas Bull) has rallied close to 30%. It's clearly bullish and all the fuckers who have been shorting it, for the past six months, are now getting their nuts cut off with a rusty ginsu knife.

The commodity just moved 6% today alone. Pardon me while I do the Natty-Gas Shuffle in my office. Oooooooooft!



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "24 Hour Natty-Gas Party" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - Canada!

Europeans banned seal imports from Canada. The US hasn't allowed imports since 1972. Why a first-world country, like Canada, wants to be associated with seal hunting is beyond me.

If you are a sealer, and you need to hunt to support your family, it's time to wise up to the fact that the world doesn't want your product anymore. Deal with it. Go work in a car wash or a slaughter plant or a fast-food restaurant. The majority of the world hate your guts, so quit trying to play the sympathy card, OK? Quit talking about how clubbing seals is part of your culture and shit. Try showing your kids the value of education, adaptation and innovation.

150 years ago, Canadians use to trap beavers to make felt hats. But eventually moved away from that to become a modern country... well sort of. If the politicians weren't so chickenshit and afraid of the pro-sealing lobbyists, Canada would have been out of this nonsense decades ago.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Culture or Lack of It?" only on Ranting-TV…

Monday, May 4, 2009

Minor Rant - Holy Toast!

We can put a man on the moon but can we please devote some resources to solve the giant fricking hole problem that I seem to have in my bread. This is the second loaf this week with a giant air pocket in it! Lazy humans...

From the Morning Desk - Buy-and-Hold?

Is Buy-and-Hold dead? I won't deny, it was, for a while. The second half of 2007, all of 2008 and the first couple months of 2009 was a trading environment. Buy-and-holders were taken out back, hog-tied and shot in the face and groin, repeatedly. They were whipped, beaten and scolded over and over again, all at the hands of traders.

After all the abuse, the buy-and-holders have developed a case of Stockholm Syndrome. They now believe that the only way you can make money is by day trading. And the only way forward is to preserve cash or buy bonds or treasuries. They have forgotten how ridiculously easy it is to make money in a bull market without having to do a damn thing. The idea of holding stock for five or ten years (which seemed smart two years ago) now seems as reckless as flipping houses. Their expectations for growth is in the low single digits -- or they don't expect to make money, at all.

If you listen to all the smart professors, economists and analysts they will tell you that buy-and-hold is dead. They say it's different this time. They will bombard you with "facts" and shit. Buying a stock and riding it up 80% in a month is too risky and not for regular mortals.

Nonsense! What we are experiencing in the stock markets is called the Wall of Worry. And as long as sentiment remains negative, we keep going higher. That's right, negative. Because it's the pessimism that keeps the market moving up. Very few people got in at the bottom, so everybody wants a pull-back before committing new capital -- but they all want in. The problem is, each day the market keeps getting away on them. So they buy high, sell out and then buy even higher. Traders are getting fucked. Short sellers are getting murdered. Hence my theory that trading is dead, and buy-and-hold is running the show. And I expect it to work for quite a while.

We are only at DOW 8300 or so. What the fuck is that? Nothing! Get some perspective on that number. It's like 1997-1998 levels. It's over a decade ago. I think we continue to move a lot higher. And all the smarty-pants can keep saying how we need a pullback, how overbought we are, shitty employment numbers, low GDP, blah, blah, blah.

If you ignore the tape action and try to focus on fundamentals, you will find yourself buying stock WAY higher than here. Buy-and-hold began to work at the end of February, 2009. Deal with it.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "The Great Wall of Worry" only on Ranting-TV…

Friday, May 1, 2009

Natural Gas - The Ugly Child

Why would you buy gold, way up here? Oh, and oil, too. Why not take a look at natural gas. Look, at these seven-year low prices, even if it drops a little more, you could easily double your investment in a year or so. I think way too many folks are betting against NatGas via shorts, and I am happy to take the long side on that trade. Of course, I'm not recommending that you do anything. Put on your big-boy/girl pants, call your own financial advisor, and make your own decision.



Disclosure: I'm long TSE:HNU, which gives me 2X bullish exposure to NatGas prices.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Natural Gas and You" only on Ranting-TV…

Video - Squeal with Excitement!

Prepare yourselves loyal RTNN viewers. The following video presentation is so cute you just might fall out of your chair or giggle yourself to death. Unless you are a heartless monster. Ok, even heartless monsters will find the following video adorable. Enjoy!



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Poker Players Hold Hands" only on Ranting-TV…

Thursday, April 30, 2009

From the Evening Desk - McDoom?

You know dear readers, my robotic brain is capable of generating hundreds of great ideas per day. I don't bother to follow up on most of them simply because I do not have the time and, more often than not, another great idea is just a few seconds away.

I was thinking about how console game content downloads allows the end user to always have the latest version and content without having to much of anything. Video game producers are producing additional story lines, new weapons, new maps, songs, etc. Can you imagine playing Grand Theft Auto and the billboards update in real-time? I know Second Life is already doing this as well as quite a few online games.

But it looks like my idea was already stolen. In October last year, billboard ads featuring Barack Obama appeared in Burnout Paradise, which was released in January. EA confirmed that the Obama campaign paid for the advertisements, marking the first time that a US presidential candidate has bought in-game advertising.

Pretty cool, non-the-less.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "[Insert Product Placement Here]" only on Ranting-TV…

Video - Creepy Cool Clown Commercial

Monday, April 27, 2009

Breaking News - Rich Like a Pig!

Always compassionate towards the common man, I did the honorable thing and bought stock in a drug company that manufactures a vaccine for the flu. These guys profit big time and I want a piece of the action. If all this local-radio/TV hype goes on for a while, I win. If it's the real deal and it starts to wipe out humanity, I win. Unless I'm dead from the flu.

Hmmm... Howard Hughs may have been on to something. Better start sending Crachit out to do ALL my outworldly duties. And he will not be allowed inside my office for the forseeable future. We will communicate via GoogleTalk (after I install a virus scanner). I just can't take the risk. Good, it's nice to see that my mind is still sharp. I can't afford to start slipping up now. Just can't... get... sick. Must... stay... well.

Of course, I doubt that this thing will get bigger than SARS. The whole thing sounds like bullshit to me. A whole bunch of pigshit, if you will.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "This little Piggy went to the Hospital!" only on Ranting-TV…

Education Korner - Drug Testing and You

Just a friendly reminder from the good folks at RTNN. Just say to NO to jugs of drugs! Enjoy the following video presentation.



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "The Gallons and Galleons Hour" only on Ranting-TV…

Friday, April 24, 2009

Breaking News - R.I.P. Pontiac

GM just announced that their Pontiac division will be shut down. It's a necessary step and while I have always felt that the products that came out of the division were excellent (G6/Solstice), this is what happens when you try to spread yourself too thin.

Of course, the G6 is a re-skinned Malibu and you can still buy the solstice as a Saturn Sky (which I think is an even better looking car).

Amazing how fast the auto industry is changing.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Commentary - From Hero to Zero

I really hate it when folk overstay their welcome. Roubini had his moment in the spotlight for a couple years, but it's over. Yet, this guy just won't go away.

The thing that's really funny (besides how WRONG he is) is that when the markets return to a normal uptrend and he is banished back to his classroom with his crazy, conspiracist, goldbug, coffin-humping followers, nobody will call him out on what a bone-head call he made when the DOW was at 6500 (predicting that we go even lower down to 5000). Jon Stewart won't have him on TV to belittle him, Strombolopoguphagus won't interview him, and CNBC won't return his phone calls. He will simply be forgotten.

So folks, beware professors professing doom. They don't have skin in the game. It's all ego.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Roubini's Wild Parties Vol.3!" only on Ranting-TV…

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

From the Morning Desk - Unfair Fight?

I don't think anything other than violent gyrations up and down in the market are in the cards for a while. It will take time for people to realize that they will not get another shot at buying stocks at historic lows. Maybe we pull back a little (5%), but that's it. Eventually the market WILL take off and we will add another 1000 points on the DOW.

Remember that the market is composed of buyers and sellers. The thing that has changed is that the US government is leaning hard on the buy side. They will do anything and everything to prevent economic collapse. Why would you want to fight that? It's not a fair fight, and eventually traders and investors will realize that. Only a fool would attempt to short the market for anything longer than a day or two at a time. You must be long. That's the logical position to take.

Never fight the fed. Their balance sheet is larger than yours. It's a rigged fight, so always bet on the bigger guy.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "You Can't Do That in City Hall!" only on Ranting-TV…

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Breaking News - Reversal!

We are seeing good tape action in the market. It's acting exactly the way I thought it would. I don't think we will break 8000 on the DOW today, but even if we hold positive, that is a good enough signal that this market is still in an upward trend.

Roubini came out this morning and did the equivalent of screaming "fire" in a crowded theater. That guy is so wrong it's not even funny. He's not qualified to judge a Ms. California contest, never mind flaunt his wrongness around the Inter-webs. If you listened to him as an investor, you made no money in the past two months... even worse, if you shorted stocked, you got killed.

And the gold bugs didn't waste much time before blogging their ignorance, too. Look folks, all the money that there was to make in gold is done and it is due for a massive drop. Big time.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Breaking News - Return of the Clowns!

Today the clowns had a field day hopping from bull to bull. It was horrible. Although the move lower was orderly, and the news coming out wasn't all that bad, anybody long got screwed.

The bulls are getting jittery, bears are getting short and the sideliners are having a good laugh at all the idiot bulls.

I want to see what tomorrow is like. I presume that we will open lower and should close a lot higher. There are a lot of people who missed this rally and want another shot at +30% gains.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Cliffhanger 2009" only on Ranting-TV…

Sunday, April 19, 2009

From the Morning Desk - Names

As a powerful, brilliant and wealthy individual, I am often asked for advice on many topics. I’ve helped name the iPod, the Fax machine and before the Internet existed it was going to be named “PronGambleServes”. I put an end to that, and suggested my own name. It’s not easy and you get this kind of power by naming things PronGambleAnything.

Unfortunately, I have not been consulted on everything. And when I don’t have the ability to name something, society loses. We all lose.

Nowadays, it seems that it’s the laziest folks who are naming things. Well, not so much naming; stealing existing terms would be more accurate. For example, pirates, toxic assets, and tea parties (ok the last one isn’t so bad), but you get the drift. Piracy means copied software or downloaded music. Toxic assets are bad mortgages on the books of the banks and a tea party is an anti-tax rally.

Unfortunately, these terms still have existing meanings. Um, we still have a little pirate problem on the seas, we haven’t dealt with actual toxic waste and when Sir Heaton J. Watkins III is hosting a tea party you scumbag protestors and your idiot signs are NOT welcome at his estate!

So, be creative… there are a lot of letters in the alphabet. Create some new words… mix a few together and create the next Fugsle children’s toy, K-52 machine gun, or simply hold a Pay-No-Tax party. It’s easy.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Deadly Software-Swapping Killers on the High Seas!" only on Ranting-TV…

Friday, April 17, 2009

Let's Make a Deal

"Patience and Sacrifice Yield Rewards". A favorite slogan of Mr. Richard Z. Pryck, CEO and Glorious Strategist of RTNN.



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Business. Plain and Simple" only on Ranting-TV…

Thursday, April 16, 2009

This Just In - Haters!

All the smarty-pants economists and analysts are pissed off. Every day they come out on TV and make the same bear argument over and over again. They just can't understand how the market can keep climbing higher week after week. To them, they keep looking at their 3 month old data and keep making the same assumption. Round peg just won't fit in square hole. Why isn't the stock market doing what they have been preaching about?

Nobody believes in the rally. Everybody hates it and is trying to bet against it. These losers keep buying gold (for inflation, right?) and trading houses and hedgefunds who have lost major amounts of money trying to short the broad market are getting a butt-full of clown. Now they have had to switch to long positions, trying to make back their losses.

And so we continue to climb the "wall of worry". It's been a simple trade, but not an easy one. It's like a game of Jenga.

Everybody is hoping that the market will go back down to DOW 7000 or 6500. Not a chance. you missed it. All you fuck-ass "value" investors missed your chance. It's a mommentum market now. Deal with it, and stop bitching. If we see 7500, that will be it.

And all the smarty-pants continue to question the rally. They keep watching, they keep waiting. And the market continues to get away on them. Mr. Roubini, I'm talking to you.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Hedgefund Managers Gone Wild!" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Rosetta Stone IPO

Rosetta Stone just IPO'ed this morning. The stock was priced at $18 and looks like it will open up $25. This is very good news for the market in general.

First, it's a very good sign to see a successful, well-received IPO's in a weak economy. This IPO reminds me of the Mastercard IPO (at $40).

It looks to me like it was deliberately priced low to encourage buyers.

If you were able to secure stock (at $18) you would be able to flip it into the open market at $25 today. That's close to a 40% pop. Yes, it's a peace offering to shareholders.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "IPO UPO" only on Ranting-TV…

Monday, April 13, 2009

Breaking News - Dead Pirates!

This is the only way to deal with pirates... har!

It appears that Somali pirates have vowed retaliation for the killings, threatening the US and French. Now it's time to start putting bounties on the heads of some of these senior pirates. When the pickings start to get thin, they will start to feast on each other.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Navy Seals pwns Pirate Assholes" only on Ranting-TV…

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Thursday, April 9, 2009

This Just In - Fiat Hostages

More hostage taking, this time at Fiat. Three fiat managers were negotiating job cuts with union when workers stormed the room and detained the managers.

Are you fucking kidding me? Maybe the European unions are taking a page out of the African terrorist playbook. It's just one copycat after another. I can't believe that these managers aren't bringing in a couple armed security guards with them in the meetings. What a joke.

Is there no law and order anymore? Get the military in there. Put an end to this. It's just one hostage situation after another. Time to put these clowns in jail for a decade or so.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Law and Order: Italy" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - Pirates!

I don’t trust clowns and I really don’t trust pirates.

Pirates were something that we thought were gone forever. Like the black plague, polio and Vanilla Ice. We use to dress up as pirates for Halloween and the candy that we had was our treasure. It is fashionable to name products and companies after famous pirates. We name sports teams after them. We have movies about them. Even the term "piracy" nowadays, means that you made a copy of a video game or downloaded a song from some offshore website. Not exactly a hangable offence.

No doubt, modern-day pirates are nothing more than terrorists. They are criminals who found a way to game the system. They hold people (and in the case of oil tankers, the environment) hostage until they get paid.

The other day, I heard some talking head on TV trying to make the point that so far no hostages have been killed. Her point was that since the pirates haven't turned violent, that they won't in the future. Look, the $150 million paid out last year to pirates, was chicken feed. These things always go one way. More piracy and bigger ransoms. Finally, the ransoms get too big and too public, and pirates start killing hostages. It’s just a matter of time.

Others try to defend them, by portraying them as Robin Hoods. They justify the pirates actions because they are poor. Oh, really? Have you seen the equipment these guys use? One AK-47 would buy a lot of bread. No, they aren’t interested in helping anybody but themselves. They make Bernie Madoff look like a saint.

So, after the pirates kill the captain and dump his body overboard, we will see how the bleeding hearts feel about those lovable ol’ pirates. Har! I’m sure they will find some way to justify it, and blame it on the west somehow, just like they always do.

Scurvy dogs!

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Har!" only on Ranting-TV…

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

From the Morning Desk - China

It was stated that over the past six months, the Pentagon spent at least $100 million dollars securing their networks from cyber attacks. Some of these attacks came from other countries… namely China and Russia. You know, our good friends.

In the old days we ran propaganda videos showing American school children hiding under their desks, neighbors turning on each other and what life would be like if the Soviets ran America. And for the most part, it worked.

What’s changed? Well, the difference is that we weren’t all connected electronically back then. Just today, it was discovered that the US electrical grid was exposed to hackers. That’s right; it’s our good friends the communist Chinese, again.

We need to start a campaign. A campaign that’s appropriate for this age.

"National Security Begins With You"

My NSBWY campaign would focus on small networks and home computers. For national security, Microsoft and Apple would be allowed to include free virus and malware scanners in their operating system, much to the chagrin of Symantec. I would run advertisements on the Internet, on radio, in newspapers and on TV about doing your part to help fight the electronic war on the United States.

Having an unprotected PC on the Internet would become as reckless as drunk driving. You will be shunned from your family, friends and it will put your job in jeopardy. Eventually, I hope my campaign will become part of the social fabric of America. I’d like router device companies like Cisco and Juniper to do their part and block Chinese and Russian IP addresses outright. It’s not like we need to talk to anybody there anyway. Ideally, we could have Google start re-routing Chinese and Russian websites to a US government website indicating the dangers of visiting foreign domains. Hopefully, by this time we will have built two separate Internets. The clean American one and the virus-infected, hackable, malware-ridden one. It will be glorious! And at last, safe.

Electronically, at least.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Ping Pong 24 hour Tournament" only on Ranting-TV…

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

From the Morning Desk - Golden Bubble

The relationship between the business media and bubbles is an interesting thing.

Take oil last year, for example. I followed the price of oil each day as it climbed higher and higher. The really interesting thing about that was how the business media would simply invent a new story to support the new higher price of oil.

These stories ranged from worker strikes, bombings, OPEC talks, threats from North Korea or Iran, changes in the dollar, drilling delays, even maintenance shutdowns. It was madness. Oil moves became an obsession for the media. CNBC even ran an oil ticker on the lower right side of the screen all day. Yeah, that’s bizarre.

I use to make up my own headlines, “Saudi Farts, Oil up $4”. And I would have been right, too. Why not? It’s not like there was any truth to any of these stories.

On any given day, each business news organization would print their own reason for the move. Bloomberg would blame the weak dollar, ROB would blame a looming Nigerian strike, and CNBC would blame Kim Jong-il. Well, he did invent oil, after all. Right?

But the fact of the matter is that oil was up because it was a bubble. And what usually happens right before a bubble pops, is a last surge (super-spike of buyers) at the end. It can take your breath away. This is what happened with oil, for example. There was NO reason for oil to spike in 2008. None. Everything was already melting down, the economy was tanking, and yet nobody could believe what was happening in the pits. Rampant speculation in oil.

I think gold is poised for its last spike. I don’t know when… maybe this fall, maybe next spring but it could possibly double to $2000/oz. Then, after a few months, it will begin to crash all the way back to $300.

Why do I say this? Well, because the media are back up to their old tricks. Gold is front-page news again and that’s not right. The stories being printed about inflation and end-of-the-world scenarios don’t make any sense. The journalists are always justifying it by quoting some gold bug saying how there is “real buying” out there (as oppose to what?). And the number of commercials out there for buying gold is up 10 times! People holding gold only make money if they can convince other people to buy it as well. That makes their holdings more valuable.

Once it super-spikes, the party will be over. And it’s the regular Joe, with half his wealth in gold who will be cleaning up.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Gold! Gold! Gold!" only on Ranting-TV…

Friday, April 3, 2009

From the Morning Desk - Malawi

My grandmother, an immigrant from the old country, would receive letters from her parents, aunts, uncles, brothers and cousins. Most of these letters were nothing more than guilt-laden stories about the hardships they faced back home.

"Send money!" they would write.

And although money was very tight and she was raising a family of her own, she would send it. But a few months later, another letter would arrive. Sometimes the stories would get confused. For example, an aunt would die, but next year she’s celebrating Christmas with the family, again. This abusive pattern continued for years. She would write back to them, explaining that she did not have any extra money, but would send what she could. But they would beg for more. Until she finally had enough. The money stopped.

A year went by, then the letters from the old country stopped, too.

Madonna’s situation in Malawi reminded me of my grandmother’s story. This whole adoption denial fuckery really has nothing to do with the welfare of the child.

So, all of a sudden, these local human rights groups care about providing these kids with exposure to Malawi culture? Oh, give me a break. The only culture in Malawi is learning to be poor. Is begging for food culture? How about learning how to cheat, lie and steal what you need to survive? The crooked Malawi judges, lawyers, government officials and lobbyist groups are setting a fine example of how to extort money from anybody who steps foot in their cesspool of a country.

Nope. It’s all about greed.

That’s the number one reason. Extort money from rich celebrities. First a little, then more, then more and finally try to take everything. The back-door dealing would make a person sick. And in the end, its the child who suffers.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Law and Order: Africa" only on Ranting-TV…

Thursday, April 2, 2009

This Just In - LED Sheep!

Mrs. BTO, who holds a lot of sway around RTNN headquarters, requested the following sheep video. In fact, all week I shall present viewers with all-things-sheep, starting with the following presentation. Enjoy!



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "I Don't Give a Bleep!" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - Protesters pt. 2

If you ever wanted proof that people, not government or big business really have the final say, witness the chicanery happening all over the world. Protests, violence and general anger have poured into the streets. Even countries are pissed with each other. China is acting like a little bitch and nobody is talking to France. Everybody hates the US, but because she gets all the attention from the boys, the other countries have to be friends with her. Canada gets to go to all the parties, but she needs to quietly ride in the back seat and just make sure that the US’s hair looks great.

You know, I was going to say something along the lines about understanding all the outrage, seeing the point of the protestors, and generally empathizing with the common man. Then I was going to qualify it by stating that by preventing a financial collapse, we can avoid a systemic collapse of the western world.

But I can't do it.

Fuck it. I fucking hate protestors. It’s the lowest form of communication. Whistling at women, "woo-yooing" from a limo, and answering a question with a fart are more productive communication techniques. Most of the douche bags at the G20 are professional protestors who generally move from political event to political event doing what they do best.

And the situation in France is even worse. You can’t allow these fucking quazi-communist Plumber Joes to take their bosses hostage, threatening bodily harm and then reward them when they release them. That’s really illegal, and bad for democracy and freedom. Not to mention that the government is scared of these hooligans. That’s not good. Is that really where we want to go as a society? What’s next? Are they going to start be-heading middle management? Fucking ingrates really deserve ten years in prison, not a raise.

Truly, it would bring a tear to my eye to see the military march all over these fucking assholes. Governments need to put an end to this bullshit right now, before it gets worse.

Why all the hostility? Well, quite frankly, I like having my ATM spit out dollars (not fucking gold) and I want my life insurance to actually be valid. I want to know that EVERY store out there accepts cash. It’s important that gold, Canadian Tire dollars and Monopoly money do not replace existing currency. I want the stock market to CONTINUE to rise. I don’t want to build a moat around my house. I don’t want to dedicate an entire room of my home for guns and ammo. I want to drive my sports cars around without fear of losing my wheels at the stoplight. And, putting bars on the windows of my mansion would just look lame. In general, I do not want society to degenerate into the stone age.

So, to all the terrorists around the world protesting against "evil bankers" (whatever the fuck that means), just shut the fuck up and go back to class. Right now, you are the biggest threat to the security of the world. Pretty soon, sensible tax payers will see that.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Survivor New York" only on Ranting-TV…

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Breaking News - Bewildered Armchair Traders

Ha! DOW is up 153 points. Even though we opened down 1%, it didn't matter, the credit markets were indicating bullishness. The fixed income market has been telling you all sorts of things. Hedgefunds want to buy toxic assets. The government will do anything and everything it can to prevent the Great Depression 2. It's important to remember to not focus on this quarter (it's going to shit the bed), the market is looking out six months from now.

I think there are too many regular folks out there listening to the doom-wishing, coffin-humping, bear-loving fools. Don't let yourself get too negative. It's way too late for that. The horse left the barn. Or should I say bull?

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Rags to Riches to Rockets" only on Ranting-TV…

Guest Columnist - Heaven with Dr. Mike

I'm a believer! I believe that mice and men come from the same place. Mice and men have the same genes, but they are turned on and off in different sequences. For example, a fish develops fins instead of arms because of inherited time-frames for gene activities. The same gene that develops fins for fish is the same gene that develops arms for humans. All creatures are unique, but they come from the same source.

If you are lucky enough to be human, then you will go to heaven. Upon research of various interweb sites, I have determined that mice, rats, and Tasmanian devils go to hell! Actually I think that all animals, that aren't human, just rot away after death.

To form this drastic opinion, I have tuned in to many cable channels that prove the existence of dead people communicating with the living. I have never, ever witnessed a ghostly tape-worm attempting to burrow into the lower bowels of an unsuspecting human. Therefore, because of no proof of the existence of tape-worm ghosts, I am convinced that humans are the only living creatures that exist beyond death.

Or, maybe cute puppies and, perhaps, chimpanzees go to heaven or hell or whatever! Hey, as long as a human relates to you (as an inferior living being) as a reasonably close to human specimen, then you will probably have an afterlife. If an animal is intelligent, then I believe he may have heaven in his future.

I have developed a cut-off line for the intelligence-to-heaven formula. Luckily for some salamanders, they have taken the place of many human-kind in heaven!

Dr. Mike Ramps, FOS

About our Author: An expert on morally judging rabbits, chickens and deer, Mike Ramps, Ph.d, FOS, is a mentally-certified prairie-nutritionist. A disturbing and unusual man, he routinely performs a wide range of surgery from the comforts of his own van and has authored many books such as: The 100 Most Effective Ways to Cook Wildlife with a Bunsen Burner, The 100 Easiest Surgeries to do on Yourself, and The Erotic Tales of Sha-boo-ka in Animalland. Learn more about Dr. Mike and download one of his free audio courses from www.vanmansurgeries.com

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Breaking News - Kitten Plays With Finger!

RTNN is pleased to present you, the viewer, with more animal videos. You know, it should be against the law to be this adorable. Enjoy!



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Finger Biteoff Championship 2009!" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - Idle!

When you make lifestyle decisions based on "peak oil" theories, you aren't thinking straight. When oil crashes from $140+ a barell to the mid $30s, guess what happens to exploration drilling? Shut downs, layoffs, etc. But for the first time in 25 years, wages are being rolled back, too. Starting May 1st, a lot of people's paychecks are going to get a whole lot smaller. Egos are going to get checked, too. And I don't think anybody is going to be striking this year.

Personally, I'm sick of having to deal with shitheads with a 6th grade education making way too much money, driving around in their $70,000 3/4 ton jacked up trucks, living out in the burbs with their four kids in their McMansions, and their boat and RV in the driveway. Of course, everything is on payments.

The paycheck will get smaller, but existing payments will remain the same size. Do the math.

What's the good news? Well, if you have a little bit of money put aside right now, housing, RVs, boats, equipment, businesses, commercial real estate and cars are going to be insanely cheap in the next two years.

I'll spare you the bad news.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Mad Max 5 - Too Much Oil!" only on Ranting-TV...

Monday, March 30, 2009

Braking News - Tax Credit for Car Buyers

There has never been a better time to buy a car. The US government just announced that there will be tax credits provided to buy a new car. Obama said that the Canadian government will be announcing their own program later today. Stay tuned... there's more to come.

Third, the IRS is today launching a campaign to alert consumers of a new tax benefit for auto purchases made between Feb 16 and the end of this year—if you buy a car anytime this year, you may be able to deduct the cost of any sales and excise taxes. This provision could save families hundreds of dollars and lead to as many as 100,000 new car sales.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Buy, buy, buy a car, car, car" only on Ranting-TV…

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Public Service Announcement - Conficker!

Hello folks. This is a public service announcement. Remember to head on over to onecare.live.com and check your computer for the conficker worm before April 1. That is all. Please carry on.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Attack of the Giant Worms!" only on Ranting-TV…

Friday, March 27, 2009

From the Morning Desk - Half Baked

Often, negative news comes out and the stock market rallies. The economy is terrible; the news that came out was bad so logically the price of stocks should drop. But they don't.

Stocks do not mirror the present, but rather the future. It’s similar to horseracing or poker, where you place your bets before the outcome is known. And while not always correct, the stock market typically has been a great predictor of the health of the overall economy.

Rumors and future news are often "baked" into the price of a stock. For example, if company ABC pre-announces a very weak quarter, the stock sells off immediately and might drop from $20 a share to $16. At $16, a lot of weakness is baked in. A month later when ABC reports a mediocre quarter, the stock jumps to $17.50. Why? Because the street was too negative, even if the numbers were not good.

Weeks ago, the entire stock market was pricing in a depression, not a garden variety recession. When news started coming out that things were not as bad as people thought (eg. leading indicators showing stabilization), the market started to rally. Equities were mispriced.

So, right now the stock market is predicting that the US economy will not go into a depression. People who have disagreed with this view (short-selling bears) are getting killed.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Third World Champion Poker on RTNN" only on Ranting-TV…

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Bulls to Bears - How Ya Like Me Now?

It looks like we have inflows coming into the stock market (eg. $2 billion last week into emerging markets). The retail investors are starting to venture in. It appears that this rally has legs and will continue to move higher. Fight it, and you will die.

Look, commercial real estate is still very weak and the job numbers are still very bad but that's about it. Everything else appears to be in the bottoming process (or close to bottoming). And I never think it's a good idea to bet against the government.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Clowning Around With Mr. Roubini" only on Ranting-TV…

Lifestyle Section - Hedgehogs

You've asked for it and RTNN is pleased to present you the viewers with more hedgehogs! This little guy is called Max. Enjoy!



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Hedgefunds vs Hedgehogs!" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - Evil Advertising

Back when the church actually had sway in the western world, the way it does today in Africa, it was responsible for influencing ideas about what was true and what was false. These ideas eventually helped to form a society’s collective knowledge and morality. So, back in the 1600’s, the world was flat. The church told you so; end of story.

Today, we have broad exposure to various points of view. Religion still plays a part, but science now has a much larger role. The scientific studies that emerge help to shape our views.

But since the 1950’s, something else is shaping our world. Lobbyists and advertising.

That’s right, lobbying and advertisements are shaping our world views. I have zero problems with advertising when it’s used for good. (Buy a new iPod or pair of designer jeans) But when it’s a government billboard telling you that if you are doing 10 mph over the posted speed limit, that you are a disease, I’ve got a problem. Speed kills? Oh really? Fuck you. I don’t want my tax dollars going to fund my own indoctrination.

It’s also common knowledge that drunk drivers behind the wheel of a vehicle are a danger on the roads to other drivers and pedestrians, but lately it’s taken on a more sinister tone. These days, it’s morally evil to drink and drive. It’s become unforgiveable to drink and drive. You can’t make drunk driving jokes at parties. Who’s behind this? MADD of course.

Are there really people out there who don't know that drinking and driving is a terrible idea? Most people are getting sick of their bullshit advertisements, stupid billboards and annoying TV ads. Ok, we get it. 20 years of this stuff is just getting creepy already. MADD doesn't need to exist anymore. Now it’s just a power grab.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "MADD TV - Now with More Fire and Brimstone!" only on Ranting-TV…

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

From the Morning Desk - Bulls are Back!

We’ve got people in some of the worst hit parts of the US buying homes, ArcelorMittal selling the largest corporate convertible bond that we’ve seen this year, and tons of M&A action (witness the Suncor/PetroCan bid yesterday). We’ve already heard from the banks three weeks ago that they said they were again making money (yield curve lending is working). And all levels of the government stated that they will do whatever is necessary to prevent deflation. The US government just became the world’s largest hedge fund (and their bias is long).

What does all this mean? It means that this probably isn’t just a garden-variety bear market rally, but it could be the start of a new bull market. That’s right. It appears that the bear market is over.

Shiller, Roubini and Whitney bears don’t look so smart anymore. They look just as foolish as the idiot bulls who were calling for DOW 20,0000 at the top of the market in 2007. Cheerleaders and Coffin-humpers only make you money when the market moves in one direction.

Since my "Rocky" post, we’ve seen the market up a huge amount and I think it has plenty of room to move some more. I think we will see mutual fund and pension buyers moving in soon (if they haven’t already). The bear shitters are going to keep placing the same bet over and over again. Short stock, stock moves higher, they cover. Finally, they will capitulate and just move into cash, until they can’t take missing out on the rally. Then they will finally go long.

The more people talk about things being different this time, the more it stays the same.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Dead Ass-raping Clown Found on Wall Street! More at 11." only on Ranting-TV…

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Breaking News - Robot Layoffs

RTNN news is reporting that GM is gearing down production even further in response to the eroding global demand for automobiles. They disclosed that 150 robot assembly units will be laid off. The company has offered the robots a payout package and re-training.

RTNN's reporters visited a local community college where we found one ex-assembly robot currently retraining as a children’s fair ride. Enjoy!



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Radiation Gives Local Man Superstrong Extra Arm, Bad Breath... More at 11." only on Ranting-TV…

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Friday, March 20, 2009

Guest Columnist - Rules with Dr. Mike

As a doctor, I’m use to following rules. Wash your hands and tools BEFORE surgery, appear concerned for patients (even the fakers), and of course, always look both ways before crossing the street to grab a Döner kebab or Pilavüstü (no frickin' mayonnaise) after a hard day of "doctoring".

But the older I get the more laws, rules, procedures, and permits there are. More scornful leers are directed my way all the time! The following list of "you can't", "you must" and "do not" scenarios really piss me off! The people, that have inspired me to make this list, piss me off to no end!

The way things are going in our society; I predict that we very well could see these new laws and punishments introduced some day:

Law: You can't smoke cigarettes, pot, crack, etc. within 20 miles of any living creature.
Punishment: 3 years hard time plus a life-time of community service in the child and puppy lung transplant unit, scraping lung cheese off the floor.

Law: You can't drink alcohol, absinthe, or mouthwash within sight of any person considered to be a child or a moral person - for fear they may see you enjoying life!
Punishment: Life-time ban from barbeques, bon-fires, and parks. Two years of hard time praying in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Law: You must stay within two inches of your children at all times. They may disappear if you don't!
Punishment: 10 years for attempted kidnapping. You would be an accessory to the kidnapping of your child.

Law: You must provide plentiful organized activities for your children. These activities must take up every single moment of your waking life!
Punishment: 2 years for child neglect, plus you will never see your children again!

Law: Don't let your car idle for more than 10 seconds.
Punishment: Life imprisonment for the murders of your children and your future grandchildren.

Law: Never urinate outside even if you are standing next to a moose pissing on your foot!
Punishment: 12 years of environmental clean-up duties plus 1 year of lecturing, to children, about why you shouldn't piss near a moose.

Law: You shouldn't eat other animals, even though your frickin’ teeth are designed for grinding animal flesh!
Punishment: 5 to 10 years in prison for manslaughter of innocent chickens and eggs (the unborn children of chickens).

Law: You must stick your arm straight out like pole when you're crossing the street.
Punishment: You must stick your arm straight out like pole when you're crossing the street.

-- Dr. Mike

About our Author: Mike Ramps, Ph.d, FOS, is a mentally-certified prairie-nutritionist and a nationally known expert on most things in general. A disturbing and unusual man, he routinely performs a wide range of surgery from the comforts of his own van and has authored many books such as: The 100 Most Effective Ways to Cook Wildlife with a Bunsen Burner, The 100 Easiest Surgeries to do on Yourself, and The Erotic Tales of Sha-boo-ka in Whoopieland. Learn more about Dr. Mike and download one of his free audio courses from www.vanmansurgeries.com

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Breaking News - Cute Guy Alert!

From the Morning Desk - Car Shopping

My $10 coffee has never tasted so good. I have to admit, for all the bellyaching about the weak economy, it’s sure a great time to buy that high-end car. Luxury car auctions are feeling the pinch. That’s me looking inside my new Ferrari. What can I say, the Porsche is a great daily driver (and perfectly reliable) but I’m a Ferrari guy.

How weak is the car market? Would you believe half price? Cars that were going for $700,000 in 2007 are now $400,000. Nobody is stepping up.

You peasants really need to learn to have empathy for us rich folks. Sure, your 401K is zapped, your job is in jeopardy and your houses are worth squat, but please think about the poor bastard that had to get rid of his luxury car and take a HUGE loss on it. That’s like getting kicked in the balls and spit on, at the same time. Maybe it belonged to some coke-snorting derivatives trader, or a California real estate investor, or some uppity hedge fund manager who fucked his entire portfolio by getting long oil last summer at $140.

Warren Buffett’s fortune plummeted by $25bn to $37bn. Indian businessman Anil Ambani net worth slumped from nearly $32bn to approximately $10bn. Microsoft founder Bill Gates wealth plunged $18bn to $40bn. But then again, a billion dollars just ain’t what it use to be, right?

I think it’s time to go after professional athletes now. Cut the sponsorship dollars, cut the salaries and get rid of all the bonuses. The amount of money that these clowns make these days is ridiculous! The multi-million dollar contracts need to become one million dollar contracts. It’s not 2007 anymore; wages need to drop, drop, drop. Why? Because I happen to be in the market for a Lamborghini 670-4 SV. And I know an NBA basketball player who has one.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Moving on Down, to a Deluxe Appartment in the Basement!" only on Ranting-TV…

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

This Just In - A Second Chance

Sandra Jamie Olson, 67, was freed from the Central California Women's Facility shortly after midnight and will be allowed to serve her yearlong parole in Minnesota, the state she adopted during a 26-year flight from justice.

When asked what she was going to do with her time, Olson responded, "Oh, I just want to get back to my knitting and live in peace. I’m an old woman. I’m not here to make waves with the good people in this town. I’m ready to give back to the community."

Olson served seven years - half her sentence - after pleading guilty to helping place pipe bombs under Los Angeles Police Department patrol cars and participating in the deadly robbery of a bank in a Sacramento suburb in August 1975.

Olson continues, "I look forward to collecting flowers from my garden each morning. I’ve made so many terrible choices in life, but I’ve been given a second chance. My days are filled with God. I'm so sorry for what I've done."

Olson successfully completed the 5-year rehabilitation program at the correctional facility at the top of her class. Everybody has high hopes for her and wish her well.

"I just hope people can forgive me and understand that my troubled past is behind me." she goes on, "but some people still bother me. If it keeps up, I’m going to get really pissed off and start blowing fucking shit up! You mutherfuckers! Fuck you! I hate you all so much! Oh, if I had a pipe right now… whore… fu… blow… [unintelligible]… bombdy, bombdy, bom…[unintelligible]."

Department spokeswoman Terry Scott said parole decisions are intended to give former prisoners the best chance of reintegrating into society and avoiding re-arrest.

"Being with their family increases the chances that they will succeed on parole," she said, "Sandra is going to do great. Our rehabilitation program is the best in the world."

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Breaking News - Dog has puppies, more at 11!" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - I'm Into M&A!

When we start to see mergers and acquisitions getting done, that is another sign that this bear market may be getting long in the tooth. It’s easy to forget that underneath stocks are real, living (living-dead zombies in the case of AIG), companies. They have employees and product or service lines and they produce stuff.

When deals start getting put together, it usually means two things are starting to work. The first is that although credit is still very tight, it is showing signs of life and that’s going to be important to finance these multi-billion dollar deals. The second is that it makes good fiscal sense to acquire companies on the cheap. And as dire as the economy is right now, companies are getting optimistic and are starting to think about the business two, five or ten years out. And when they can buy their competitor for half or a third of the price of 2007, they are finally beginning to pull the trigger.

Look around. We are seeing major M&A in biotech. And today we saw IBM making a bid for Sun Microsystems for $6.5 billion. That’s a good deal. JAVA alone is worth at least $6 billion and Solaris UNIX would fit in at IBM perfectly. Let’s watch to see what HP or Dell is going to do. Technology deals make sense as these companies actually have a lot of free cash sitting on their books.

Oh and remember to follow the money trail. Who’s going to finance these deals? Take a wild guess.

I know Mr. Popular, Nouriel Roubini, who is obviously the genius de jour, may not agree with these ideas, but folks we keep watching the same movie over and over again. I don’t want to stick my neck out and say that this is a new bull market. But if you watch closely, you can see that there are things going on this time that nobody is paying attention to. And they are all good things.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "When Black Swans Attack!" only on Ranting-TV…