Saturday Morning Video - Swimming!

RTNN is pleased to present a Saturday Morning Cat Video for you. The little guy in the video loves swimming around in the bathtub. It seems that cats enjoy WATCHING other cats swim in the tub, but that's the extent of it.



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Puss-in-Boots swims the English Channel!" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News – Cow Urine Cola!

I figured that my good friend, Nerdy Marlin would really enjoy this article. Some coo-coo hard-line organization in India, known for its opposition to "corrupting" Western food imports (didn't know Heinz Ketchup was such a threat), is introducing a cow urine drink. That’s right. Cow piss!

Well, these guys win Johnny’s “You are my Stupid Moron of the Day” Award, due to your backward anti-western stance, but mostly for the piss-drinking. The award is actually a piece of dried cow shit. How appropriate.

Read more here…

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Holy Cow, I Can't Believe it's Not Butter!" only on Ranting-TV…

Series on Pigs - I Can Haz $10 Coffee?

RTNN is pleased to continue its week-long series all about pigs! This little guy thinks he is going to drink Johnny's coffee! Well, maybe just a little sip. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Dances With Piglets" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Dancing Robot Lifts Weights!

RTNN is pleased to bring you, the viewer, our latest presentation. The following video includes dancing, bodybuilding and robots... very odd combination. Who says bodybuilders have mental problems? Let's watch as this elite "athlete" rips shit up! Oh yeah!



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Make your Own Pizza-Icecream Infomercial" only on Ranting-TV…

News Roundup - February 27, 2009

RTNN is pleased to bring out the latest daily news ripped off from other news sources. We are very lazy. Enjoy!

Octo-mess: Eight-legged resident blamed for flood at Santa Monica; unhappy about stimulus program

New Study Links Cancer To Alcohol In Women, Catholic Church finds

Feds arrest Stanford Group's CIO on Obstruction Charge; Chief Information Officer don't know nuthin'!

Denver's Rocky Mountain News Shuts Doors after 150 Years; Blames Internets

Sony (SNE) chief executive Howard Stringer will become his own president; Fathers Own Uncle

Laura Bush: Life in Dallas Has Been a "Slow Adjustment"; City Feels Same Way

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Street Farter IV - The Return of Fartly!" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - Shame Works!

You know, a lot has been said about what banks should do with the government money and what they shouldn’t do. And there has been a lot of debate on both sides. Most politically correct people would say that both groups make good points. But they don’t. They are idiots.

More regulation means more bank lawyers will figure out how to skirt the law. Less regulation (well we know how that turned out). But there is a third option that a few people are talking about. It’s shame.

And it works. Don’t believe me? Well, it was shame that cancelled Citigroup’s $50 million dollar jet. Who could forget John Thain’s $1 million dollar office renovation? Thain said that he would refund Merrill out of his own pocket, after the embarrassing story became front page news. And of course, AIG was lambasted for their little $440,000 relaxation retreat. You can be sure they won’t do that again. Bank CEO's are all forgoing bonuses, as it's not worth the grief of having to publicly defend it.

But now, we seem to have one problem child. Northern Trust. Apparently, they said that they didn’t need a handout in the first place, so it was alright to spend some of it on a big party. What? That’s your response? But more importantly, if other banks sense that a more aggressive “fuck-you taxpayer” media approach works, we won’t see any more results from public shaming. It’s time for the government to step up and call Northern Trust’s bluff. Demand repayment immediately!

Of course, yesterday John Mack from Morgan Stanley announced that they would still sponsor the upcoming golf tournament (that’s fine, it’s advertising), but that they would not send any executives or big clients there, on the company dime. Good for you, John! Folks, this guy gets it. Times are changing and Morgan Stanley is adapting.

And for the first time in America, shaming appears to be working.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "The Crying Game 2 - Wall Street & Main Street" only on Ranting-TV…

Guest Columnist - Dr. Mike's Surgery in a Jar

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"Surgery in a Jar!" - A brand new product from Dr. Mike Ramps, FOS

Attention DIYers! Attention people without health insurance! Save money! Save your life!

Do you need surgery? Don't put yourself on the waiting list. Now you're at the top of the list all the time! It's your list 'cause you're the surgeon!

Perform all kinds of surgery from simple mole removal to cardiac by-pass! Why wait for a so-called "expert" when you can save your own life all by yourself!

"Surgery in a Jar!" contains step-by-step instructions and all the tools you need to perform life-saving procedures on your children, spouse, grandparents, siblings, and even yourself!

This special jar is pretty big! Open it up and find a scalpel, gauss, iodine, cough syrup, rubber gloves, and much more! Dig in and you'll even find stain-resistant (laminated) instructions for every surgery you can think of performing.

If you order within the next couple weeks or so, we'll double the offer! Receive TWO jars for the price of ONE! If you order even sooner than a couple weeks or so, you'll receive a complimentary urinary catheter!

“I used Surgery in a Jar! to perform a gastric bypass on my wife just yesterday! When I didn't think I knew what I was doing, I just looked at the instructions. I have Surgery in a Jar! to thank for my new career path! I've decided to become a mobile van surgeon just like Dr. Mike!”
-- B. Jones

“I'm embarrassed to say that I was a skeptic. After receiving a free jar full of medical supplies (my mom got one free or something) I thought it would just take up space in my bachelor pad. Just this passed week, after my internet physician diagnosed me with kidney failure, I was devastated because I have no health insurance. I decided, what the hell! Just 5 minutes ago I removed my own kidneys...but not without the help of Surgery in a Jar! I'm so excited for the future!”
-- J. Dyinsoon

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "ER" only on Ranting-TV…

About our Author: Mike Ramps, Ph.d, FOS, is a mentally-certified prairie-nutritionist and a nationally known expert on most things in general. A disturbing and unusual man, he routinely performs a wide range of surgery from the comforts of his own van and has authored many books such as: The 100 Most Effective Ways to Cook Wildlife with a Bunsen Burner, The 100 Easiest Surgeries to do on Yourself, and The Erotic Tales of Sha-boo-ka in Boobieland. Learn more about Dr. Mike and download one of his free audio courses from his website.

Creepy Killer Robot Enjoys Rubix Cube!

The RuBot II is the creepiest thing I've ever seen. I thought it was going to to rip the kid's arms off. It's like something right out of my nightmares. Truly disturbing. Yeah, who needs friends when you have this monstrosity sitting in the corner of your room at night?



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Terminator 5 - Monopoly Edition" only on Ranting-TV…

Series on Pigs - Three Little Pigs

RTNN is pleased to continue its week-long series all about pigs! Enjoy. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "That Bad Movie with the Chick with the Pig Nose" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Northern Trust Healthy?

The arrogant folks at Northern Trust feel that they are being unfairly treated. Despite the fact that they announced plans to cut 450 jobs in 2009, they still managed to fly a bunch of employees and customers for a big party (1999 dot-com style), with taxpayer money. Now they are claiming that they don't need the government money, in the first place.

I see, they take the money. Spend part of it. Then they turn around and say that they didn't really need it. Basically telling the taxpayers and government to fuck off. Something doesn't smell right.

This kind of bullshit really makes my blood boil. Ok, then give the money back, big shots. And do it this fucking week.

From the Morning Desk - Upgrade!

I’m just sitting down at my PC, with my $10 coffee, this morning. Johnny wiped and reloaded his hard disk on his PC yesterday. Well, the IT department did it, I just watched. You know for somebody with a positronic brain, I seem to know little about computers. Anyway, like a fine coffee, a freshly re-installed computer always gives me an optimistic feeling.

You find yourself saying things like “this time, I’m not going to install a bunch of crap all over the place”. It’s going to be different. The funny thing is, a year later, it’s slow again.

Why not store everything in my robot brain, and then download (or is it upload) it back to my PC? Let’s see, my brain is like 30 years old. It still uses punch-cards. The external interface was retrofitted in 1992 (needs some jiggling to work), requires a telnet connection to a DOS host, and uses an 81-pin serial connector. 81-pins? You don’t just head down to the radio shack for THAT connector. And of course, it uses odd parity which explains my humor.

And please, stop telling me to “upgrade” my fucking brain, whatever that means. Do you have ANY idea how dangerous and complicated brain surgery becomes when you introduce 30-year old electronics into the mix? You need to be a computer scientist and a brain surgeon. That’s just reckless.

So for now, I’ll just do things the way the rest of you do it. Store stuff on my PC, my Blackberry and online. Computing life is good again!

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Computer Shamwow Infomercials" only on Ranting-TV…

Series on Pigs - Gotta Have Boots!

RTNN is pleased to continue its week-long series all about pigs! Enjoy. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Snorky, the Pig Farmer" only on Ranting-TV…

Guest Columnist - The Sun King

About our Author: Louis XIV aka The Sun King needs no introduction, plus nobody around here really wants to piss off a French Monarch so let's just leave it at that, shall we? To receive this column au francais, please press "2" now. Thank you.

Dear Leaders and Readers: There comes a time in the history of Mankind, a turning point where everything changes. Society first progresses, goes on its merry way with its wars, poverty, diseases and the occasional Eureka, and then as Douglas Adams so aptly put it, it enters The Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul.

The return of the Dark Ages is upon us all and as the historians of the future will be at a loss to pinpoint the exact cause, I, the Sun King, never humble but always helpful (After all I single-handedly ushered in the French Revolution) must say that I have found, if you will, this new Sacking of Rome, except that this time the Barbarians at the Gate are us.

The unassuming City of Hamilton, Ontario harbors our Doom. A woman there, turning her back on centuries of technological advances that finally delivered bacteria-free food and cold beer has decided to unplug her fridge. Why? You may ask. Well climate change of course. As anybody (not me, I had servants) who had to dress like an arctic explorer to put their garbage to the curb will testify Global warming Bring it on.

I know your objections. What about the cute Polar bears? Well I am not Stephen Colbert whatever he may think. I happen to love bears and I have a solution that should satisfy all. Let's round up all those bears and build huge zoos thereby providing 1000's of jobs. I too can be progressive. The bears would be happy. No more wandering for ever on the frozen banks in search of food. Fish would be delivered daily and if they became too lazy we would give free admission to recipients of the Darwin award and let nature take its course. Everybody would win.

Well that is one vision anyway. I have little hope however that it will come true. The yuppies have become the rubes. How very, very sad. It turns out, you see, that the greening of our brains that we referred too with such pride was only just rot after all. Thanks to me, the Sun King you all know better now and you too can exclaim forcefully: After us the Flood!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Darwin Awards Live Broadcast with a Special Appearence from The Jackass Copycat Troupe!" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Cat Pwns Roomba!

RTNN is pleased to present you, the viewer, with the following video presentation. It combines our love of cats and robots (in vacuum form). Enjoy!



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Roombas who Rumba!" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - Cell Phones

I’m a big fan of rules. I’m a bigger fan of creating them. Everybody has an opinion on using your cell phone while you drive, yet little is said about cell phones and walking. This really is a peeve of mine, and I’m using my journalistic power to influence change in this country, ala Rick Santelli.

How many times has this happened to you? You are walking down the sidewalk and here comes some clown on his cell, not paying attention at all and almost runs into you. Bewildered, he looks up, flashes a slight scowl at you and carries on? You don’t have to take it. I have created The Pedestrian Phone Right of Way Rules (PPRWR) to prevent this from happening.

There are four simple rules. When two (or more) people are walking towards each other:

1. People on hands-free headsets need to yield to non-cell phone people.

2. People talking on their cell phones need to yield to the hands-free people and non-cell phone people.

3. People texting need to yield to ALL cell phone users (except smartphones) and non-cell phone people.

4. People emailing documents, surfing or checking their calendar on their smartphones, must yield to everybody.

But Johnny, what happens if two “texters” are attempting to pass, who yields to whom? Well, that’s a little tougher question. I suppose the first person who “looks up” from their screen has the right of way. The other person must yield, for being such a dill-hole.

So the next time you see Mr. Important coming straight at you with his head buried in his tiny cell phone screen, tell him get the fuck out of your path. Because YOU have the right of way.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Rat Race 3 - Return of the Smartphones!" only on Ranting-TV…

Series on Pigs - Let Sleeping Pigs Lie

RTNN is pleased to continue its week-long series all about pigs! Enjoy. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Animal Hoose 2 - A Moose on the Loose!" only on Ranting-TV…

Stop! You’re Embarrassing the Human Race - Facial Yoga!

This has to be the biggest joke ever unleashed on the human race since winter boots invaded California. If I ever caught Cratchit or any of my other assistants doing facial yoga around the office, I would have to throat-punch them. I dislike it that much.

So what is this idiotic trend that’s sweeping coast to coast? Apparently, facial yoga refers to facial exercises for stretching the muscles. Regular practice supposedly can reduce the appearance of wrinkles. There are some yoga centers in the US that now offer classes in facial yoga in order to cash in on this fad.

How do I know it’s a fad? Simple. It follows the same pattern that all short-lived fads follow. It promises the moon, requires little effort to do and brainless celebrities are already doing it. Then the herding instinct kicks in. Every local media station around the world will start doing soft news stories on it. That’s when it peaks. We will see entire nursing homes full of elderly war vets, professional baseball players and even the President of the United States doing this shit. Fucking embarrassing.

So, go ahead make stupid faces all day, piss your money away, feel all good about yourself and remember two years from now you’ll still have wrinkles, and will be just as ugly as you are today.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Blinking Your Way to a Better You!" only on Ranting-TV…

Series on Pigs - Now with more kitten!

RTNN is pleased to bring you its week-long series all about pigs! Enjoy. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Animal Hoose" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Market Bottom?

I HATE to say this but, I think we just put a market bottom in today. It just felt capitulatory. The fear and terror in the market was so bad. And yet, we retested and held and I really think we are going higher. So I'll step out on the cliff and call it. Buckle up. Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Rollercoasters and their Effect on Wall Street" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - GM Stock hits 74-Year Low

Question for the smarty-pants financial advisors out there: How's that buy-and-hold theory working out for you, Fuck face? In the "long term" the sun burns out and the universe sucks into itself. What's going to happen a year from now? And try do a better job then you did predicting the price of oil last year.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Max Max 4 - Max Loses All His Money in the Stock Market" only on Ranting-TV…

Your World - Consumers Seen Trading Down

RTNN, Mt. Olympus -- As job losses mount and home foreclosures steadily rise, many people are trading down in everything from baby toupees, designer puppies and disposable yacht-wrap. Riche en Richre Periodical reports that it’s not unusual in an economic downturn, but the speed with which its happening is. And the flight to more affordable products is affecting the broadest array of unnecessary goods since the recession of the early 1980s.

"Since the job layoffs at my firm hit, I’ve stopped buying umbrella shoes, from the All-things-Umbrella Boutique, and have opted to purchase the regular kind," says Mary Johnson. "Shoe shopping in this economy is harder than Chinese math."

And Bill Monroe, a former HR rep told us, "I love my DVD rewinder, but ever since I lost my job I’ve had to do it the manual way. Life fucking sucks!"

Visits to designer, snobby boutiques, where sales people won’t even talk to you, are down a whopping 0.25%, while faux teeth-diamonding clinics, semi-high-end Ferrari dealerships and other “discount” chains saw a 350% jump in sales last month alone.

Even the brown-bag lunch is experiencing a renaissance. "It looks like people are packing their own fillet mignon steak and lobster these days." says a retailing analyst. "Consumers are moving towards sensible choices."

How has the downturn affected your spending habits, viewers?

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Everyday Ferraris for Every Day" only on Ranting-TV…

Undercover Story - Japanese Robots Kill!

This just in folks. Japanese robots are taking over the world, once again. Our own RTNN undercover news team obtained not-so-secret footage of the operation. The following video report should appeal to our pro-robot (or “probot”) viewers. Who's the mastermind behind robo-world domination? It's evil genius Yoshiharu Inaba, with his army of robot sorters. Damn you Yoshiharu! Damn you!



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Robotron vs Godzilla vs Astroboy" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Evicted!

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Out, damn'd Spot!" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - Cheap Oil

Good morning, viewer. Once again, I’m enjoying my $10 coffee and got to thinking; I could buy one-third of a barrel of oil, for what I pay for my morning beverage. And really that’s an odd thing, considering that most people (aka: jackhole-asshat armchair investors) were sure oil was going to $300 a barrel, just six, short months ago. Mrs. BTO – my resident oil guru-- called the top when it couldn’t break $150 on the Fourth of July long weekend. She told me right there that oil missed its numbers and to short the sucker. And here we are at $35. She’s not called the Beautiful and Talented One for nothing (Does the “O” stands for oil-baron?). Question is… what the hell am I going to do with all that oil, in my office? Seems to me everybody else has the same problem.

Additionally, we know that President Obama isn’t please with the carbon-footprint of the oil sands in Alberta, Canada. And that’s going to doom anything that’s left of Alberta’s economy. Harper says that if the Americans won’t take our dirty, duck-killing Alberta oil, then you won’t get any oil, at all. Oh, yeah, tough guy? Who is the Canadian government trying to kid? The global economy is shutting down, people are using less oil and Canada already shipped its entire military (one green motorcycle, all four tanks and a duct-taped helicopter) to Afghanistan. After five long years of screwing the American consumers over with expensive, overpriced oil, the tables are turning. Beware of economy-raping clowns, Canada!

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Ron Paul in Goldpecker" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Cats Can Talk!

Human: Wake up!
Cat: No! No! No!
Human: Wake up!
Cat: Sleep!
Human: Do you want to sleep in?
Cat: Yes!
Human: For how much longer?
Cat: Five!
Human: Just two minutes.
Cat: No!
Human: Ok
Human: How ‘bout just one minute?
Cat: More!
Human: You want to sleep more?
Cat: Please! Sleep!
Human: Ok, let’s make a deal I’ll let you sleep for a few more minutes if you continue to be cute.
Cat: Ok.



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Famous Talking Ed Filibusters" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - Dear Leader

Good morning, viewer. As I sit here drinking my $10 coffee, I like to take the time to reflect on other powerful men in the world. And just in case you didn't know, when I look out my window, the clouds rush past BELOW me. It's the only way I work. Very God-like and motivating. You should try it sometime. But enough about me, dear viewer.

There should be little doubt in anybody’s mind that Kim Jong Il is a creepy little weirdo. I think it’s safe to say that the little pot belly, bird hairdo, woman’s glasses and that ugly, green homemade suit isn’t going to win him a place for Peoples Sexiest Man Alive. That's harsh... we know that looks aren’t everything, right?

Well, not exactly. You see, he lies. And I’m talking, big time. Ok, so most men lie, but there are limits. Most of the time, these are little white lies; believable ones. So, did you know that Kim Jong Il invented radial tires, holograms and the microwave? Apparently some hack-engineer, and con-artist, Percy Spencer simply ripped off Dear Leader. Sure, that sounds exactly right.

So why isn’t this guy working in a car wash, spying on women in the restroom?

He’s a dictator. It doesn’t matter that you are an ugly, out-of-shape, lying freak of nature. If you are a dictator, that trumps it all. He’s rich, gets laid all the time, likes fast cars and is a big movie buff. On his birthday, it’s North Korea’s largest holiday. And he is both worshipped and feared everywhere he goes.

Ever watch a rap video? What’s in it? Cars, bling, hundreds of women, people paying attention to the rapper, and a lot of partying EVERYWHERE the rapper goes. The rapper is the coolest guy in the whole video. Well, that’s Kim Jong Il’s life. Sucks doesn’t it?

I’m not saying that every rapper out there wants to be a dictator, that’s stupid. But what I am saying is that while we have been brought up to crave money, relationships, big homes and nice cars; other things have gotten in the way. Namely, worrying about our clothes, hair obsessions, Botox, and working out. Men and women spend so much time pissing around with their looks they fail to understand that vanity is the ultimate time waster (#2 blogging), and won't get them any further in life.

So how do you aquire this kind of power? You need money, influence and your daddy needs to already be a dictator. Ah, see there's always a catch. For the rest of us, it's hardwork and nice hair.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "10 Easy Steps for God-Like Power Infomercial" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Cats Go Inside Coke Box!

By popular demand, RTNN is please to present you with more soft news stories. In this next feature we will witness the awe-inspiring, goofiness and cuteness of two crazy, "coked-up" cats. Will they go into the coke box? Will they try to get into the freezer? Will Egan and Otto both attempt to get into the coke box at the same time? Will the man drink a can of coke? We'll answer these questions and more so stay tuned...



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Drugstore CatBox" only on Ranting-TV…

Mothermarket Clown-Rapes Investors

This just in folks. In case you haven’t noticed, anybody long in today’s tape got absolutely killed. Of course, the market was led lower by financials and materials. Rim announced some bad news which didn’t help the Nasdaq and generally overall the market was held hostage by some short selling fuckery.

Of course, there is always some bozo financial expert coming on TV telling people that this is an opportunity to invest. Investing in this market like playing russian roulette, with a loaded revolver, and the guy to the right of you just blew his brains all over the table. Your turn? What’s the matter? Come on! It's an opportunity... don't you see?

The market today looks absolutely wrecked. No buyers. Shorts are piling on. And everyday there’s another fraud being uncovered (today it was Stanford Financial). Nobody has any conviction or confidence anymore. And I don't blame them one bit.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Kids, Klowns, Karnivals and Kurrency" only on Ranting-TV…

Guest Columnist - Dr. Mike Ramps, FOS

About our Author: Mike Ramps, Ph.d, FOS, is a mentally-certified prairie-nutritionist and a nationally known expert on most things in general. A disturbing and unusual man, he routinely performs a wide range of surgery from the comforts of his own van and has authored many books such as: The 100 Most Effective Ways to Cook Wildlife with a Bunsen Burner, The 100 Easiest Surgeries to do on Yourself, and The Erotic Tales of Sha-boo-ka in Cockland. Learn more about Dr. Mike and download one of his free audio courses at www.vanmansurgeries.com.

10 or Less Reasons to Eat Gophers by Dr. Mike:

1. In these tough economic times, they are a plentiful and free food source.
2. Hides make great coats - need lots, but you should be eating lots.
3. They don't feel pain, just like fish - unproven, but likely.
4. Skeleton art! Need I say more?
5. Thousands, if not millions of slow-cooker recipes available out there.
6. Easily start a home-based business in gopherdermy. Sell on EBay.
7. Free pets for your children until the 'time comes'.
8. Teaches your children about how to deal with their emotions (see above). But time will tell.
9. Learn trapping and/or aiming techniques. You can never have too many skills in these tough economic times.

In these drastic economic times, we must think outside-the-box. You may have some anti-gopher-eating (A.G.E.) activists say that you 'can't to this!'.

You can tell them, 'Yes we can!'

-- UPDATE: We have just learned that Dr. Mike was attacked shortly after leaving our building by A.G.E. activists/terrorists. He is currently in his van attempting to perform life-saving surgery on himself. We wish the best of luck to you, doc!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "The Sumos vs. Surgeons Show" only on Ranting-TV…

LifeStyle - Famous White Rappers

Even my older parents know who Eminem is, but what about other famous white rappers throughout history? RTNN is please to present you with a list of famous white rappers. Enjoy.

Do any of the following names ring a bell?

Eminem, House of Pain, Beastie Boys, Kid Rock, Limp Bizkit, Vanilla Ice, Slug (Atmosphere), Weird Al? Yup, he's pretty good, too.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "White Men Can't Jump or Dance" only on Ranting-TV…

Entertainment - DJ Hero Come to Me

Playing lead guitar for thousands of screaming fans is every little boy's dream, but for many the idea of spinning records for a large crowd is equally rewarding. Johnny did some DJing back in college, when chart toppers like "Short D*ck Man" and "Creep" by TLC were all the rage. I didn't use turn tables; instead, I had a couple of Denon CD Pro Mixers. I hope that doesn't date me.

Anyway, I have been looking forward to the DJ Hero game for a long time. As much as I enjoy playing rock songs in Guitar Hero and Rock Band, the idea of being able to DJ, scratch and mix has a lot of appeal to me. I presume that some of my childhood heros are going to make an appearance.

The CEO of Activision, Bobby Kotick, confirmed that the game will be available some time this year. Let's hope he's right. Projects of this size have a way of getting pushed back. But I think Activision realizes that if they are going to move on this, it has to be quick.

My positronic brain has confirmed that DJ Hero will be the biggest selling game title ever. Bigger than Grand Theft Auto and Halo. In fact, it's going to be a monstrously huge seller! And you can bet your ass that I'll be getting mine, as soon as it hits the shelves.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Pump up the Volume -- Now With More Christian Slater Scenes!" only on Ranting-TV…

Educational Video Training - Chinese

The Glorious Strategist of RTNN is planning to expand into China next year and has encouraged all of us to learn Chinese. Johnny only speaks American right now, so it's been a tough go. The following educational video will not help you learn anything.



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "24 Hour Ping Pong" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - Bob Cratchit?!

Good morning folks. I receive many letters from viewers just like you and I feel it's part of my job to answer the questions that you may have. This week I’m getting a lot of questions about Robert Cratchit (my assistant). Being the ace reporter and journalist that I am, I’m here to answer them for you. Just part of RTNN’s commitment to the truth.

Q: Who is Bob Cratchit?

A: Bob is my assistant and constant pain in my ass (I’m just kidding). He knows a place where they make good coffee.

Q: What are Bob’s hobbies?

A: Oh, I don’t know. He seems to really like filing papers. And he’s wearing a helmet around the office since returning from the hospital, so I can only assume that he started playing some sort of contact sport.

Q: Why aren’t you more sensitive to Bob’s problems?

A: My mission, besides being an ace reporter, is to help Bob with his problems. He’s scared of flying. He wanted to know if he could use the company CD player to listen to his fear of flying audio CD’s, after work. No way. I said.

“Bob, I’m going to help you get over your fears the same way that killer clown in the park helped me! By having to DEAL WITH IT!”

“Sir, I just… need access to the… CD player… and…”

“Nonsense! I need you to fact check a story that I’m doing on a woman with eight kids. She claims that two of them look like Elvis. This could be a big story. I’ve booked the plane trip already.”

And I’ll continue to send him on trips, over and over until his fears go away. How can you say that I’m not sensitive to Bob’s mental illness?

Q: Does Bob ever threaten to quit?

A: It’s wonderful for Bob to be surrounded by the best people in the businesses. It’s an honour to work for me. If he quit, who is going to get my coffee in the morning? If I don’t have my coffee I can’t write. If I can’t write, you the viewer suffers. You will be confused by the world, unable to differentiate fact from fiction. General chaos ensues.

Bob, you sonofabitch, I know that last question was from you! Just for that, I’m docking half a days pay. And you can be sure that on Christmas eve, you will be working ALL day! Ha Ha Ha, just messing around with you buddy, chump, friend… but not about the half-day’s pay.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Airplaney II - Down We Go!" only on Ranting-TV…

Johnny Presents - EB Oddball

Johnny Presents Egregious Beats playing their latest teaser called "OddBall". EB's album will be debuting Summer 2010.

From the Desk of the CEO - Swear Jar Policy

I just received a letter from the CEO and Glorious Strategist of this network, Richard Z. Pryke. Apparently, we now have a swear jar in the lobby of our building. Good f***king grief, Charlie Brown. Anyway, enjoy the following video presentation, viewers.



We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "The Hill Billy Parade" only on Ranting-TV…

This Just In - GTA4 Bloopers!

RTNN is pleased to present you, the viewer, GTA4 clips now with more gratuitous, senseless, low-brow violence and mayhem. In the following video presentation, you will witness many silly things found in the Grant Theft Auto 4 video game. GTA4 is a favorite of Johnny's, so enjoy.



Hopefully, we will see more of Nico Bellic and his crazy cousin Roman! But for now we return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Killer Video Games III - The Pointy Edges" only on Ranting-TV…

Facts and Trivia - GM

Since GM is making headlines again with this Chapter 11 news, I thought I'd share some facts (trivia) about the struggling car company that you may not know.

1. GM isn't the largest car company, by far. It has 252,000 employees worldwide. Volkswagen has 373,400 employees, Renault/Nissan has 316,100, Toyota has 316,100, and Daimler has 272,300 employees.

2. In 2006, GM was spending close to $17 million dollars on Viagra. Is that really considered health care?

3. In 2008, GM cut its total North American work force 11.5 percent to 123,000.

4. GM workers earn $75 an hour in wages and benefits - almost triple the earnings of the average private sector worker.

5. The UAW-Ford Agreement pictured above weights around 22 lbs. I bet you think it's full of efficiency... right?

We now return you to your Sunday Afternoon Movie… "The Car!" only on Ranting-TV…

LifeStyle Section - Learn about the 1980's

RTNN is pleased to present the following educational video. Our younger viewers probably do not remember the 1980's, so it's important to present a fair and accurate view of what life was like long, long ago.

The fact is that in the 1980's everybody consumed copious amounts of cocaine. Scientists and researchers now know that people got a lot more work done back then. Here's an example of how people use to talk.



To learn more about this topic, please visit the Wikipedia entry on People in the 1980's. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Old NHL Hockey Game Re-Runs from 1982" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - Protesters!

Good morning, viewer. From my corner office, high up on Mt. Olympus, it's easy to forget that the crowd of protesters that gather in front of our offices, daily, aren’t ants. Each day, they are out there protesting RTNN’s new global expansion plans deep in the tropical rain forest of Southeast Asian. Anyway, I’m not sure why we (RTNN Corporation) are there, but I can only assume that it’s to bring the native folks great new TV programs like “Fartly and Greg”, “King of Fartly”, and “The Hour with George Fartleyopolous”. Let me make it clear to you, dear viewer, that protesting is the lowest form of communication, somewhere between construction worker cat calls and half-drunk “woo-who’s!” while half your torso hangs outside a limousine. And holding a sign only makes you look retarded.

"But, Johnny, protesting is important AND effective! We are making a difference! We get results!"

No you don’t. In the old days, protesting use to work because we had no way to contain or restrict you. In the old days, we had a name for large groups of outraged people. They were called mobs. And they didn’t carry signs, instead; pitchforks had a much larger impression. Today, when you have a group of wannabe hippies, part-time university students, and trendy-fake-asshats protesting, it’s a bake sale. Nobody notices.

"But, Johnny, we have the media and Internet on our side!"

Oh really? Listen, nobody cares about you or your shitty cause. Besides there are millions of blogs (but only one RTNN) and the thousands channels of local TV, who really sits up and takes notice? There’s no impact. Your message is lost.

When RTNN builds new headquarters, you can be sure that we will fence off a really nice part of the swamp so protesters can have a place to express their views. Watch out for the crocodiles.

Thanks for tuning in folks! This is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Too Many Ostriches" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Cat Loves Rat Loves Cat!

By popular demand, RTNN is please to present you with more soft news stories. In this next feature we see how Natures "Odd Couple" get along. Turn your cuteness-detector down for the following video presentation.



We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Are you Smarter than a Petrified piece of Wood?" only on Ranting-TV…

This Just In - Back from Costco!

Typically I do not do my own shopping. I have people to do that for me. Plus, the Porsche doesn't hold that many groceries. But my stupid servant Robert Cratchit is in the hospital (I think it might have something to do with the fact that I chucked my keyboard into his head the other day, but I'm not sure). Good help really is hard to find.

Anyway, Mrs. BTO and myself headed out to Costco on a Saturday. It has been a while since I've ventured out to walk amongst the general public.

There are people with shopping carts EVERYWHERE at Costco. And it became painfully obvious to me why we have traffic laws in this country. If people drove their cars the same way they pushed their shopping carts it would be chaos. The unwashed masses just don't have the brainpower to figure out what to do without rules.

They would stop their cars in the middle of the freeway, drive the wrong way down one-way roads, bump into stuff constantly and generally park anywhere they want. We would end up with cars parked in the ditch, on sidewalks, inside malls and on top of the elderly. And forget about the "rule of the right" (learnt in elementary school) which states that traffic moves over to the right. And it doesn't matter that you are late for work because the oblivious couple ahead is parked sideways on the bridge scolding their stupid, brat child.

Bob Cratchit really deserves a raise for all the shitheads that he has to deal with every time I send him out to do my bidding in the world. Of course, I'm just kidding. He's lucky I didn't chuck something larger at his big fat head. That reminds me... I have to remember to doc his pay for my damaged keyboard.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Art Yarbochuck's Local Political Round Table Hour" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Valentine's Day Arrives

This just in folks. Today is Valentines Day. I was going to do an entire rant today about how stupid and creepy the whole Mass-Love Day thing is, considering the fact that if EVERYBODY around the world is celebrating the love between two (or more -- Utah, I'm talking to you) people, how CAN it be special? I could rant about the pornstar-acted-creepy Vermont Teddy Bear commercials on CNBC playing every 10 minutes. Or the fact that on Valentines Day you need to become Prince Charming despite the fact that you are clearly a frog.

Thankfully Mrs. BTO feels the same as I do about the nonsense on February 14. We wish each other a "Happy Valentimes" (it's an east coast US thang) and carry on with our day. No stress, no mess.

On the other hand, it's a great way to help stimulate the economy, we need people out there buying stuff. And the religious folk and anti-consumer groups seem hell bend on destroying these holidays. So, I do have to say that, I'm totally in favor of it... regardless of how pointless and annoying it is.

So get out there and BUY those chocolates, bears and flowers. In fact, keep doing it all week. Or all month. If we can fool people to spend like this all day, why not convince them to borrow to spend for longer durations. Let's get this economy moving! Do your part, public! I command you!

This is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… “The Biggest Loser - Cat Edition” only on Ranting-TV…

Scrabble - A Smart Person Game

Mrs. BTO and I are just heading out to play a little scrabble with our two friends, Castle Stomp and Dance Simply. I think they are hippies or something with names like that. In case of impending global catasphrophe and we lose power, you can be sure that Scrabble will still work. So I want to get good now.

Always thinking.

This is ace reporter Johnny signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… “Fartly and Lady see France” only on Ranting-TV…

Worst Week since November 2008

Absolutely a horrid week in the markets. It wasn't suppose to be so bad, but when Geitner pulled a P...P...Paulson moment everything went to hell. So here we sit, worst week since November. I haven't lost confidence, in fact I'm more convinced that the spring keeps getting tighter and tigher. I'm not sure if it's going to be Tuesday or Wednesday when we rip higher, but this funk may last a little while longer.

This week oil shit the bed. Today, we had a nice little $3 rally. What can I say. It makes sense as we have an abundance of oil and the world economy keeps slowing down. It makes sense... but damn, how low will it go? I would NOT short crude under ANY circumstances at these levels, but being long could be painful as we keep trading in a range. All bad news for commodity-rich countries.

Everybody is now aware that commercial real estate is screwed. I don't really know where that is going, but it's likely that we may see several bankruptcies in that industry.

It could be all those stupid-ass/creepy Vermont teddybear commercials playing on CNBC for Valentines Day that's pissing off the traders. Well, no matter... next week is a new week.

Disclosure: Long DXO, Short Vermont Teddy Bear Commercials/Valentines Day Bullshit

Well folks, thanks for tuning in, that’s all for now. We now return you to the Friday Night Movie… “Murderous Monkey 2 - Apes a Killin'” only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Canadian Home Sales Fall 41%

Report on Business just reported that sales of existing Canadian homes fell to the lowest level since the mid-1990s last month, with activity dropping by 41 per cent in January from a year ago.

Why is nobody talking about how this affects the banks? That's right folks, our Canadian banks are going to have BIG problems, as it appears that we are only at the start of this mess. These clowns have been lending massive amounts of money out for overpriced houses in Canada. And if you think American CEO's are clueless, you are about to see a whole NEW level of stupidity. We've had the opportunity to see what was going on in the states for christsake! We got a preview and yet nothing was done. The Canadian government, the Canadian people and the banks all played their part.

My positronic-brain warned me about the Canadian housing market melting down late 2007. It's incredible that people refuse to see the light (even now). Garth Turner has been warning about this for a long time now. He's doing tours, publishing books and still people think he's wrong. They couldn't be further from the truth.

Canada is going to go through the worst recession since the 1980's. That's a fact. I assure you, if haven't changed your spending habits by now life is going to get rough for you.

I've sold the Ferrari and bought a more-reliable daily-driver Porsche, bought a backup power generator for the Xbox 360 and bigscreen TV and started recording my own new episodes of "House" with my camcorder... just in case the end of the world hits.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… “When Houses Attack Owners” only on Ranting-TV…

Oscar's Big Adventure

While I have to say, he's no Tom Hanks, it's apparent that this little guy is going to have a future in show biz. I'm sure Mrs. BTO will approve this video.

Well folks, thanks for tuning into Oscar's adventure. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… “When Little Dogs Attack” only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk – All about Me.

Welcome viewer. From where I sit (drinking my $10 coffee every morning), it’s important to reflect on the fact that not everybody out there is rich, good-looking and a legendary news anchor and columnist at a prominent news network. That’s right, I’m talking about the little guy, the underdog, and you, the viewers.

As I'm sure you can appreciate, I receive thousands of letters each week from loyal fans. And although I do have the time and energy to answer each one personally, I simply don’t, on principle. Many of you have disorders and I simply will not be part of your plan to cause harm to others (or myself).

However, I will grant you a peek into my life. I call this piece… “All about Me.” Here are a few common questions that I am asked on a regular basis.

Q: In your years of reporting, what was the single greatest event that changed your life?

A: During the Terry Schiavo trial (you know, the one where that guy named Terry was arrested for wanting to take his own life), we all became deeply involved on a very personal level. It was on TV and it was front-and-center on everybody’s mind. Anyway, I just returned from lunch and my assistant comes running into my marble-walled office. She slipped on the marble-floored floor and banged her head pretty badly. Tragic event. We pulled the plug that day. And I will never forget how good my lunch was… turkey roll.

Q: It has been suggested that you have a robot brain. Is this true?

A: Yes. I have a positronic super-computer 4000 brain.  Superior to Data’s on Star Trek (or Star Wars)... something like that.

Q: As a robot, do you have feelings?

A: I’m not a robot. It’s just my brain. Of course I have feelings. I’m flesh-and-blood and a little antifreeze to prevent my brain from shutting down in the cold. In fact, I have a penis… so I have all the human emotions that a man can feel.  Lust and Anger.

Q: Are you married, because I want to marry you!

A: I’m sorry but Johnny Newsmaker is already married to the best gal in the world!  The Beautiful and Talented One (Mrs. BTO) completes Johnny, and dresses him and feeds him because the news doesn’t stop, and dammit, you the viewer deserve to know who's trying to make a quick buck off you!

Well folks, thanks for tuning in, that’s all for now. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… “Ron Paul Selling Gold on EBay Infomercial” only on Ranting-TV…

Reporting Live - Market has a "Movement"!

What a day in the markets! Praise the stock gods! Mothermarket didn't castrate the bulls. The Obama administration is going to provide the homeowners with some relief.

After the Geitner fiasco and the market back on it's lows, things didn't look to good. Of course, I was out buying BAC in the weakness because my robotic brain told me that the market was going to pop on any good news. And we really were due.

And we got it. But it was more of a cathartic move to the upside. You know, kind of like when you've drunk way too much and are just looking for a little relief. A good, hard, long puke. And up we go!

Don't get me wrong. I'm not bullish on the economy. It's bad out there. But I'm bullish anytime we get below 8000. The US economy is still screwed and we are going sideways for quite a while.

Disclosure: Long BAC

And now we return you to the "Farting Clowns Christmas Special", only on Ranting-TV...