Guest Columnist - Hygiene with Dr. Mike

Okay, okay...so I'm not necessarily the healthiest mobile van surgeon out there. I smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol, and eat less gophers than I personally recommend as a world renowned prairie nutritionist. I rarely get physically ill perhaps only because I am blessed with a good immune system at this point in my life. Despite my many healthy lifestyle shortcomings, I do take one sickness-prevention habit seriously. I wash my fucking hands!

I wash my hands after every single stint in the restroom. It doesn't matter what I am doing there...I wash my hands whether I touch my unmentionable or not! I lather up after any numbered bathroom protocol...1, 2, or 3 (3 equals 1 and 2, mixed together, of course.) Maybe, just maybe...my clean hands have aided in my good health streak, especially after finger-lickin' Cheetos escapades.

If you don't care about the people you're preparing food for, then don't wash your hands. We all see movies where a teen-ager is working at a fast food restaurant for minimum wage. He will add snot, ear wax, and even a smidgen of dandruff to your meal + more if you piss him off! He doesn't know you, so who cares! I, however, wash my manicured digits before I prepare all meals, even if I'm not the one eating them! I must continue to set a good example because of my standing in the prairie-health community. Can you imagine the media attention I'd get if I was caught scratching my scrotum over a taco salad?

Should you be washing your hands 24 hours a day? No! Otherwise you would lose your hand-skin! Hand-skin is one of the most underrated skins on the human body!

When should you wash your hands?
After every shit, piss, or discreet erotic episode alone in the little boys/girls room!
After reading a toilet-humour book, whether you're in the bathroom or not. They can't be trusted.
Before and after you pick your nose/ass!
After you go grocery shopping. Other people push those carts just after picking their noses/asses!
After touching another animal, especially a dung beetle.
After removing matter from toes, navels, and arm pits.

There are more instances in which hand-washing would be recommended, but I feel that the above list covers the most important situation. If this article improves the hand hygiene of just one disgusting human, it will be worth all the effort I just made.

Dr. Mike

About our Author: Mike Ramps, Ph.d, FOS, is a mentally-certified prairie-nutritionist and a nationally known expert on most things in general. A disturbing and unusual man, he routinely performs a wide range of surgery from the comforts of his own van and has authored many books such as: The 100 Most Effective Ways to Cook Wildlife with a Bunsen Burner, The 100 Easiest Surgeries to do on Yourself, and The Erotic Tales of Sha-boo-ka in WeeWeeland. Learn more about Dr. Mike and download one of his free audio courses from his website.