Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Breaking News - Unix Saves Earth!

NASA has been sitting on their asses watching a giant speeding rock head toward the earth. Apparently, they used the Unix OS to provide the platform for tracking the asteroid. When asked for comment:

Unix replied, "Holy shit! That mutherfucker was like... whoosh! Like 40,000KM away or something! I was spewing so much data out of my fucking ass!"

It continued, "Those scientist dicklickers couldn't get enough of me! I had so many of those perverts watching me and touching my peripherals! Today, I really was THE star of the show at NASA! Total pro. Total fuckin' pro."

Since 100% dedicated CPU power isn't required anymore, scientists at NASA are restoring UNIX's non-essential services this evening, including the sass-filter, showboat-curber and curse-controls.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Kaboom! The End of the Earth, 2009." only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Too Many Pandas!

Why are there so many pandas? Is it some sort of panda party?

From the Morning Desk - Hang 'em High!

Good Morning Folks. There’s one thing that the markets need to see before we go higher. Obviously, the economy is shit and seems to be getting worse daily. Housing needs to bottom. And banks need to start returning the money back to the government in droves.

But there is one more thing for this to end. We need public hangings. Ok, so we can’t string people up in Times Square, but metaphorically we can. People like rich Ruth Madoff really turn my stomach. I’m not anti-wealth (otherwise I would hate myself), but I really can’t stand when people like her try to get away clean on a technicality.

I’ve watched enough Soprano episodes to know that every mob-wife knows that her husband isn’t really “in da construction business”. If she didn’t know anything, then she would have acted very differently. Her actions speak volumes about what she may have known and what part she played in this whole Madoff mess. We know that she shared the services of Dickstein Shapiro’s Ira Sorkin. And she has $70 million dollars worth of assets in her name. And it didn’t seem to bother her that men killed themselves over loses from the ponzi scheme. She simply appears cold and very calculating.

$7 million penthouse, $45 million in muni-bonds, and $17 million in cash in a bank account. That’s what this housewife claims is hers. That’s a big fuck you, America!

I don’t care whether or not those assets were acquired with multibillion-dollar fraud or not. In the eye of the public it’s all dirty money. And they are right. It doesn’t matter how guilty they are, just hang them. I think the American people can accept the trillions of tax dollars to save the financial system, but people like the Madoffs don’t get another chance at riches. For the greater good (and to restore trust in Wall Street), they must lose it all.

You know, with the amount of damage done to the financial system, I can’t believe this hasn’t happened yet. Innocent until proven guilty doesn’t work when dealing with the rich.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "The Bold and the ButtUgly" only on Ranting-TV…