Guest Columnist - Rules with Dr. Mike

As a doctor, I’m use to following rules. Wash your hands and tools BEFORE surgery, appear concerned for patients (even the fakers), and of course, always look both ways before crossing the street to grab a Döner kebab or Pilavüstü (no frickin' mayonnaise) after a hard day of "doctoring".

But the older I get the more laws, rules, procedures, and permits there are. More scornful leers are directed my way all the time! The following list of "you can't", "you must" and "do not" scenarios really piss me off! The people, that have inspired me to make this list, piss me off to no end!

The way things are going in our society; I predict that we very well could see these new laws and punishments introduced some day:

Law: You can't smoke cigarettes, pot, crack, etc. within 20 miles of any living creature.
Punishment: 3 years hard time plus a life-time of community service in the child and puppy lung transplant unit, scraping lung cheese off the floor.

Law: You can't drink alcohol, absinthe, or mouthwash within sight of any person considered to be a child or a moral person - for fear they may see you enjoying life!
Punishment: Life-time ban from barbeques, bon-fires, and parks. Two years of hard time praying in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Law: You must stay within two inches of your children at all times. They may disappear if you don't!
Punishment: 10 years for attempted kidnapping. You would be an accessory to the kidnapping of your child.

Law: You must provide plentiful organized activities for your children. These activities must take up every single moment of your waking life!
Punishment: 2 years for child neglect, plus you will never see your children again!

Law: Don't let your car idle for more than 10 seconds.
Punishment: Life imprisonment for the murders of your children and your future grandchildren.

Law: Never urinate outside even if you are standing next to a moose pissing on your foot!
Punishment: 12 years of environmental clean-up duties plus 1 year of lecturing, to children, about why you shouldn't piss near a moose.

Law: You shouldn't eat other animals, even though your frickin’ teeth are designed for grinding animal flesh!
Punishment: 5 to 10 years in prison for manslaughter of innocent chickens and eggs (the unborn children of chickens).

Law: You must stick your arm straight out like pole when you're crossing the street.
Punishment: You must stick your arm straight out like pole when you're crossing the street.

-- Dr. Mike

About our Author: Mike Ramps, Ph.d, FOS, is a mentally-certified prairie-nutritionist and a nationally known expert on most things in general. A disturbing and unusual man, he routinely performs a wide range of surgery from the comforts of his own van and has authored many books such as: The 100 Most Effective Ways to Cook Wildlife with a Bunsen Burner, The 100 Easiest Surgeries to do on Yourself, and The Erotic Tales of Sha-boo-ka in Whoopieland. Learn more about Dr. Mike and download one of his free audio courses from www.vanmansurgeries.com