Breaking News - Bulls Stomp Bears!

Once again, the bulls have resumed their stomping ways. On the same day that the largest bankruptcy in the world has taken place, the market is up and away. While this has left many professors and negative-nellies scratching their heads, others have realized that the game is stacked. You can't lose, when the government climbs into the bullpen.

Anyway, natural gas has resumed it's climb higher after taking a two week hiatus and (upside) panic is starting to settle into the stock market. People have been left out of the rally, there hasn't been a 30% pullback and mutual fund and hedge fund managers are looking pretty stupid right now. Stories about the end-of-the-world and coffin-humping only convince your partners for a while. After a while, you start to look stupid. When the market is up 30-40% and you missed it, it's your head on the chopping block. That's the cold reality of money management.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "When Bulls Attack Part 2" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - Canada!

Europeans banned seal imports from Canada. The US hasn't allowed imports since 1972. Why a first-world country, like Canada, wants to be associated with seal hunting is beyond me.

If you are a sealer, and you need to hunt to support your family, it's time to wise up to the fact that the world doesn't want your product anymore. Deal with it. Go work in a car wash or a slaughter plant or a fast-food restaurant. The majority of the world hate your guts, so quit trying to play the sympathy card, OK? Quit talking about how clubbing seals is part of your culture and shit. Try showing your kids the value of education, adaptation and innovation.

150 years ago, Canadians use to trap beavers to make felt hats. But eventually moved away from that to become a modern country... well sort of. If the politicians weren't so chickenshit and afraid of the pro-sealing lobbyists, Canada would have been out of this nonsense decades ago.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Culture or Lack of It?" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Rich Like a Pig!

Always compassionate towards the common man, I did the honorable thing and bought stock in a drug company that manufactures a vaccine for the flu. These guys profit big time and I want a piece of the action. If all this local-radio/TV hype goes on for a while, I win. If it's the real deal and it starts to wipe out humanity, I win. Unless I'm dead from the flu.

Hmmm... Howard Hughs may have been on to something. Better start sending Crachit out to do ALL my outworldly duties. And he will not be allowed inside my office for the forseeable future. We will communicate via GoogleTalk (after I install a virus scanner). I just can't take the risk. Good, it's nice to see that my mind is still sharp. I can't afford to start slipping up now. Just can't... get... sick. Must... stay... well.

Of course, I doubt that this thing will get bigger than SARS. The whole thing sounds like bullshit to me. A whole bunch of pigshit, if you will.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "This little Piggy went to the Hospital!" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - R.I.P. Pontiac

GM just announced that their Pontiac division will be shut down. It's a necessary step and while I have always felt that the products that came out of the division were excellent (G6/Solstice), this is what happens when you try to spread yourself too thin.

Of course, the G6 is a re-skinned Malibu and you can still buy the solstice as a Saturn Sky (which I think is an even better looking car).

Amazing how fast the auto industry is changing.

Breaking News - Reversal!

We are seeing good tape action in the market. It's acting exactly the way I thought it would. I don't think we will break 8000 on the DOW today, but even if we hold positive, that is a good enough signal that this market is still in an upward trend.

Roubini came out this morning and did the equivalent of screaming "fire" in a crowded theater. That guy is so wrong it's not even funny. He's not qualified to judge a Ms. California contest, never mind flaunt his wrongness around the Inter-webs. If you listened to him as an investor, you made no money in the past two months... even worse, if you shorted stocked, you got killed.

And the gold bugs didn't waste much time before blogging their ignorance, too. Look folks, all the money that there was to make in gold is done and it is due for a massive drop. Big time.

Breaking News - Return of the Clowns!

Today the clowns had a field day hopping from bull to bull. It was horrible. Although the move lower was orderly, and the news coming out wasn't all that bad, anybody long got screwed.

The bulls are getting jittery, bears are getting short and the sideliners are having a good laugh at all the idiot bulls.

I want to see what tomorrow is like. I presume that we will open lower and should close a lot higher. There are a lot of people who missed this rally and want another shot at +30% gains.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Cliffhanger 2009" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Rosetta Stone IPO

Rosetta Stone just IPO'ed this morning. The stock was priced at $18 and looks like it will open up $25. This is very good news for the market in general.

First, it's a very good sign to see a successful, well-received IPO's in a weak economy. This IPO reminds me of the Mastercard IPO (at $40).

It looks to me like it was deliberately priced low to encourage buyers.

If you were able to secure stock (at $18) you would be able to flip it into the open market at $25 today. That's close to a 40% pop. Yes, it's a peace offering to shareholders.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "IPO UPO" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Dead Pirates!

This is the only way to deal with pirates... har!

It appears that Somali pirates have vowed retaliation for the killings, threatening the US and French. Now it's time to start putting bounties on the heads of some of these senior pirates. When the pickings start to get thin, they will start to feast on each other.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Navy Seals pwns Pirate Assholes" only on Ranting-TV…

This Just In - Fiat Hostages

More hostage taking, this time at Fiat. Three fiat managers were negotiating job cuts with union when workers stormed the room and detained the managers.

Are you fucking kidding me? Maybe the European unions are taking a page out of the African terrorist playbook. It's just one copycat after another. I can't believe that these managers aren't bringing in a couple armed security guards with them in the meetings. What a joke.

Is there no law and order anymore? Get the military in there. Put an end to this. It's just one hostage situation after another. Time to put these clowns in jail for a decade or so.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Law and Order: Italy" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Bewildered Armchair Traders

Ha! DOW is up 153 points. Even though we opened down 1%, it didn't matter, the credit markets were indicating bullishness. The fixed income market has been telling you all sorts of things. Hedgefunds want to buy toxic assets. The government will do anything and everything it can to prevent the Great Depression 2. It's important to remember to not focus on this quarter (it's going to shit the bed), the market is looking out six months from now.

I think there are too many regular folks out there listening to the doom-wishing, coffin-humping, bear-loving fools. Don't let yourself get too negative. It's way too late for that. The horse left the barn. Or should I say bull?

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Rags to Riches to Rockets" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Kitten Plays With Finger!

RTNN is pleased to present you, the viewer, with more animal videos. You know, it should be against the law to be this adorable. Enjoy!



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Finger Biteoff Championship 2009!" only on Ranting-TV…

Braking News - Tax Credit for Car Buyers

There has never been a better time to buy a car. The US government just announced that there will be tax credits provided to buy a new car. Obama said that the Canadian government will be announcing their own program later today. Stay tuned... there's more to come.

Third, the IRS is today launching a campaign to alert consumers of a new tax benefit for auto purchases made between Feb 16 and the end of this year—if you buy a car anytime this year, you may be able to deduct the cost of any sales and excise taxes. This provision could save families hundreds of dollars and lead to as many as 100,000 new car sales.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Buy, buy, buy a car, car, car" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Robot Layoffs

RTNN news is reporting that GM is gearing down production even further in response to the eroding global demand for automobiles. They disclosed that 150 robot assembly units will be laid off. The company has offered the robots a payout package and re-training.

RTNN's reporters visited a local community college where we found one ex-assembly robot currently retraining as a children’s fair ride. Enjoy!



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Radiation Gives Local Man Superstrong Extra Arm, Bad Breath... More at 11." only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Kitty O'Flanagan

RTNN is pleased to present the following St. Patrick's Day video. Now presenting Kitty O'Flanagan! Have a drink of beer each time his hat falls off!



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "The Kitty O'Flanagan Hour" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Clowns Not Dead!

I have a feeling that the clowns are not dead. I see them lurking and regathering in the alleys. This run that we’ve had in the market last week was amazing. Monster moves, monster money was made. But I think that we are due for a pull back as investors consolidate their winnings this week. Nothing goes straight up forever.

I’m pretty sure that we will slowly march towards 8000, but there will be big drops along the way. The economy isn’t fixed, and therefore this market is still very much a traders one. Watch for clowns, they haven't all been killed.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Rocky is Getting Tired!" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Japanese Replacing Humans!

Well, leave it up to the crafty Japanese to replace us with robots. I can only imagine that they are eventually going to replace every human on earth with these life-like replicas. What are they doing with the human versions? Just another example of why robots are a threat to the human species!



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Double Your Pleasure, Double the Fun!" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Turtle Shoe Action!

At the request of my good friend and valued RTNN viewer, Badmen Romp has suggested airing the following video presentation. Warning, if there are turtles under the age of 6 months, please ask them to leave the room at this time. Enjoy!



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Teenage Mutant Ninja Perverts!" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Clown Pinata!

The clown and bear beatdown continues. Still doubt this rally? I think it's the real deal.

I'm not saying that we are going to climb every day, but we are having very good tape action. Despite the negative news coming out, the trend is higher, led by financials.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "The Clown Beatdown Hour" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Clown Punching Day!

It’s time to go punch some clowns, folks! We are so oversold, it’s about time that we get a monster rally going. Question is, will the bulls continue buying or will it simply be shorts running for the hills, only to return later? If we don’t get some real buying soon, the shorts will simply continue to pound down stocks to nothing. I hope we can sustain something for at least a week.

I hear the Rocky music, eye of the tiger, playing in the background. Rocky about to return! He may be bloody and beaten-down, but he is about to lay the law down and show those fuck-ass bears who’s the champ! Rocky! Rocky!

If you are a bear and are short, you will be punched hard. It is going to be a painful couple days for you. Respect the champ!

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Sixteen hours of Pre-Boxing Video" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Headless Killer on the Loose!

RTNN is pleased to present you, the viewer, with the following video presentation. It appears that some sort of headless, killer robot is walking on all fours trying to find a way into your house. Presumably, to kill your family. Beware! And if you see this inhuman killer, kicking it over with your boot may seem like a prudent course of action. But it will not be successful, as we shall see! This thing is just creepy and should be put out of its misery at once.



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Cujo III - The Headless Hunter!" only on Ranting-TV…