Series on Pigs - Sleepy Guy!

RTNN is pleased to continue its week-long series all about pigs! Enjoy. Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "This Little Piggy Stayed Home" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - The Northern Trust Billions!

It looks like shame claims another $1.6 billion for the tax payer.

After the outcry to Northern Trust’s $6.4 million dollar party, it looks like the tax payers are getting a break. Loyal RTNN readers will remember that I demanded that they pay back the entire $1.6 billion that they borrowed from the government, within the week. I used my influence, ala Rick Santelli, and they folded like cheap lawn chairs. I really don’t like to use my powers too often, but this Northern Trust thing really pissed me off. Call it my Rant-of-the-Year.

Maybe they were telling the truth about Paulson forcing them to take the money. We now know that it was Citigroup that was the weakest last fall, and that’s why everybody was forced to take the money. So it is possible that Northern Trust is in good shape.

So now, they are free to spend their own money on whatever the hell they want. And I really have no problem with that. Party away!

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "The Billion Dollar Man - Return of the Money!" only on Ranting-TV…

Saturday Morning Video - Swimming!

RTNN is pleased to present a Saturday Morning Cat Video for you. The little guy in the video loves swimming around in the bathtub. It seems that cats enjoy WATCHING other cats swim in the tub, but that's the extent of it.



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Puss-in-Boots swims the English Channel!" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News – Cow Urine Cola!

I figured that my good friend, Nerdy Marlin would really enjoy this article. Some coo-coo hard-line organization in India, known for its opposition to "corrupting" Western food imports (didn't know Heinz Ketchup was such a threat), is introducing a cow urine drink. That’s right. Cow piss!

Well, these guys win Johnny’s “You are my Stupid Moron of the Day” Award, due to your backward anti-western stance, but mostly for the piss-drinking. The award is actually a piece of dried cow shit. How appropriate.

Read more here…

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Holy Cow, I Can't Believe it's Not Butter!" only on Ranting-TV…

Series on Pigs - I Can Haz $10 Coffee?

RTNN is pleased to continue its week-long series all about pigs! This little guy thinks he is going to drink Johnny's coffee! Well, maybe just a little sip. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Dances With Piglets" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Dancing Robot Lifts Weights!

RTNN is pleased to bring you, the viewer, our latest presentation. The following video includes dancing, bodybuilding and robots... very odd combination. Who says bodybuilders have mental problems? Let's watch as this elite "athlete" rips shit up! Oh yeah!



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Make your Own Pizza-Icecream Infomercial" only on Ranting-TV…

News Roundup - February 27, 2009

RTNN is pleased to bring out the latest daily news ripped off from other news sources. We are very lazy. Enjoy!

Octo-mess: Eight-legged resident blamed for flood at Santa Monica; unhappy about stimulus program

New Study Links Cancer To Alcohol In Women, Catholic Church finds

Feds arrest Stanford Group's CIO on Obstruction Charge; Chief Information Officer don't know nuthin'!

Denver's Rocky Mountain News Shuts Doors after 150 Years; Blames Internets

Sony (SNE) chief executive Howard Stringer will become his own president; Fathers Own Uncle

Laura Bush: Life in Dallas Has Been a "Slow Adjustment"; City Feels Same Way

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Street Farter IV - The Return of Fartly!" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - Shame Works!

You know, a lot has been said about what banks should do with the government money and what they shouldn’t do. And there has been a lot of debate on both sides. Most politically correct people would say that both groups make good points. But they don’t. They are idiots.

More regulation means more bank lawyers will figure out how to skirt the law. Less regulation (well we know how that turned out). But there is a third option that a few people are talking about. It’s shame.

And it works. Don’t believe me? Well, it was shame that cancelled Citigroup’s $50 million dollar jet. Who could forget John Thain’s $1 million dollar office renovation? Thain said that he would refund Merrill out of his own pocket, after the embarrassing story became front page news. And of course, AIG was lambasted for their little $440,000 relaxation retreat. You can be sure they won’t do that again. Bank CEO's are all forgoing bonuses, as it's not worth the grief of having to publicly defend it.

But now, we seem to have one problem child. Northern Trust. Apparently, they said that they didn’t need a handout in the first place, so it was alright to spend some of it on a big party. What? That’s your response? But more importantly, if other banks sense that a more aggressive “fuck-you taxpayer” media approach works, we won’t see any more results from public shaming. It’s time for the government to step up and call Northern Trust’s bluff. Demand repayment immediately!

Of course, yesterday John Mack from Morgan Stanley announced that they would still sponsor the upcoming golf tournament (that’s fine, it’s advertising), but that they would not send any executives or big clients there, on the company dime. Good for you, John! Folks, this guy gets it. Times are changing and Morgan Stanley is adapting.

And for the first time in America, shaming appears to be working.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "The Crying Game 2 - Wall Street & Main Street" only on Ranting-TV…

Guest Columnist - Dr. Mike's Surgery in a Jar

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"Surgery in a Jar!" - A brand new product from Dr. Mike Ramps, FOS

Attention DIYers! Attention people without health insurance! Save money! Save your life!

Do you need surgery? Don't put yourself on the waiting list. Now you're at the top of the list all the time! It's your list 'cause you're the surgeon!

Perform all kinds of surgery from simple mole removal to cardiac by-pass! Why wait for a so-called "expert" when you can save your own life all by yourself!

"Surgery in a Jar!" contains step-by-step instructions and all the tools you need to perform life-saving procedures on your children, spouse, grandparents, siblings, and even yourself!

This special jar is pretty big! Open it up and find a scalpel, gauss, iodine, cough syrup, rubber gloves, and much more! Dig in and you'll even find stain-resistant (laminated) instructions for every surgery you can think of performing.

If you order within the next couple weeks or so, we'll double the offer! Receive TWO jars for the price of ONE! If you order even sooner than a couple weeks or so, you'll receive a complimentary urinary catheter!

“I used Surgery in a Jar! to perform a gastric bypass on my wife just yesterday! When I didn't think I knew what I was doing, I just looked at the instructions. I have Surgery in a Jar! to thank for my new career path! I've decided to become a mobile van surgeon just like Dr. Mike!”
-- B. Jones

“I'm embarrassed to say that I was a skeptic. After receiving a free jar full of medical supplies (my mom got one free or something) I thought it would just take up space in my bachelor pad. Just this passed week, after my internet physician diagnosed me with kidney failure, I was devastated because I have no health insurance. I decided, what the hell! Just 5 minutes ago I removed my own kidneys...but not without the help of Surgery in a Jar! I'm so excited for the future!”
-- J. Dyinsoon

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "ER" only on Ranting-TV…

About our Author: Mike Ramps, Ph.d, FOS, is a mentally-certified prairie-nutritionist and a nationally known expert on most things in general. A disturbing and unusual man, he routinely performs a wide range of surgery from the comforts of his own van and has authored many books such as: The 100 Most Effective Ways to Cook Wildlife with a Bunsen Burner, The 100 Easiest Surgeries to do on Yourself, and The Erotic Tales of Sha-boo-ka in Boobieland. Learn more about Dr. Mike and download one of his free audio courses from his website.

Creepy Killer Robot Enjoys Rubix Cube!

The RuBot II is the creepiest thing I've ever seen. I thought it was going to to rip the kid's arms off. It's like something right out of my nightmares. Truly disturbing. Yeah, who needs friends when you have this monstrosity sitting in the corner of your room at night?



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Terminator 5 - Monopoly Edition" only on Ranting-TV…

Series on Pigs - Three Little Pigs

RTNN is pleased to continue its week-long series all about pigs! Enjoy. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "That Bad Movie with the Chick with the Pig Nose" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Northern Trust Healthy?

The arrogant folks at Northern Trust feel that they are being unfairly treated. Despite the fact that they announced plans to cut 450 jobs in 2009, they still managed to fly a bunch of employees and customers for a big party (1999 dot-com style), with taxpayer money. Now they are claiming that they don't need the government money, in the first place.

I see, they take the money. Spend part of it. Then they turn around and say that they didn't really need it. Basically telling the taxpayers and government to fuck off. Something doesn't smell right.

This kind of bullshit really makes my blood boil. Ok, then give the money back, big shots. And do it this fucking week.

From the Morning Desk - Upgrade!

I’m just sitting down at my PC, with my $10 coffee, this morning. Johnny wiped and reloaded his hard disk on his PC yesterday. Well, the IT department did it, I just watched. You know for somebody with a positronic brain, I seem to know little about computers. Anyway, like a fine coffee, a freshly re-installed computer always gives me an optimistic feeling.

You find yourself saying things like “this time, I’m not going to install a bunch of crap all over the place”. It’s going to be different. The funny thing is, a year later, it’s slow again.

Why not store everything in my robot brain, and then download (or is it upload) it back to my PC? Let’s see, my brain is like 30 years old. It still uses punch-cards. The external interface was retrofitted in 1992 (needs some jiggling to work), requires a telnet connection to a DOS host, and uses an 81-pin serial connector. 81-pins? You don’t just head down to the radio shack for THAT connector. And of course, it uses odd parity which explains my humor.

And please, stop telling me to “upgrade” my fucking brain, whatever that means. Do you have ANY idea how dangerous and complicated brain surgery becomes when you introduce 30-year old electronics into the mix? You need to be a computer scientist and a brain surgeon. That’s just reckless.

So for now, I’ll just do things the way the rest of you do it. Store stuff on my PC, my Blackberry and online. Computing life is good again!

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Computer Shamwow Infomercials" only on Ranting-TV…

Series on Pigs - Gotta Have Boots!

RTNN is pleased to continue its week-long series all about pigs! Enjoy. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Snorky, the Pig Farmer" only on Ranting-TV…

Guest Columnist - The Sun King

About our Author: Louis XIV aka The Sun King needs no introduction, plus nobody around here really wants to piss off a French Monarch so let's just leave it at that, shall we? To receive this column au francais, please press "2" now. Thank you.

Dear Leaders and Readers: There comes a time in the history of Mankind, a turning point where everything changes. Society first progresses, goes on its merry way with its wars, poverty, diseases and the occasional Eureka, and then as Douglas Adams so aptly put it, it enters The Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul.

The return of the Dark Ages is upon us all and as the historians of the future will be at a loss to pinpoint the exact cause, I, the Sun King, never humble but always helpful (After all I single-handedly ushered in the French Revolution) must say that I have found, if you will, this new Sacking of Rome, except that this time the Barbarians at the Gate are us.

The unassuming City of Hamilton, Ontario harbors our Doom. A woman there, turning her back on centuries of technological advances that finally delivered bacteria-free food and cold beer has decided to unplug her fridge. Why? You may ask. Well climate change of course. As anybody (not me, I had servants) who had to dress like an arctic explorer to put their garbage to the curb will testify Global warming Bring it on.

I know your objections. What about the cute Polar bears? Well I am not Stephen Colbert whatever he may think. I happen to love bears and I have a solution that should satisfy all. Let's round up all those bears and build huge zoos thereby providing 1000's of jobs. I too can be progressive. The bears would be happy. No more wandering for ever on the frozen banks in search of food. Fish would be delivered daily and if they became too lazy we would give free admission to recipients of the Darwin award and let nature take its course. Everybody would win.

Well that is one vision anyway. I have little hope however that it will come true. The yuppies have become the rubes. How very, very sad. It turns out, you see, that the greening of our brains that we referred too with such pride was only just rot after all. Thanks to me, the Sun King you all know better now and you too can exclaim forcefully: After us the Flood!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Darwin Awards Live Broadcast with a Special Appearence from The Jackass Copycat Troupe!" only on Ranting-TV…