From the Morning Desk – All about Me.

Welcome viewer. From where I sit (drinking my $10 coffee every morning), it’s important to reflect on the fact that not everybody out there is rich, good-looking and a legendary news anchor and columnist at a prominent news network. That’s right, I’m talking about the little guy, the underdog, and you, the viewers.

As I'm sure you can appreciate, I receive thousands of letters each week from loyal fans. And although I do have the time and energy to answer each one personally, I simply don’t, on principle. Many of you have disorders and I simply will not be part of your plan to cause harm to others (or myself).

However, I will grant you a peek into my life. I call this piece… “All about Me.” Here are a few common questions that I am asked on a regular basis.

Q: In your years of reporting, what was the single greatest event that changed your life?

A: During the Terry Schiavo trial (you know, the one where that guy named Terry was arrested for wanting to take his own life), we all became deeply involved on a very personal level. It was on TV and it was front-and-center on everybody’s mind. Anyway, I just returned from lunch and my assistant comes running into my marble-walled office. She slipped on the marble-floored floor and banged her head pretty badly. Tragic event. We pulled the plug that day. And I will never forget how good my lunch was… turkey roll.

Q: It has been suggested that you have a robot brain. Is this true?

A: Yes. I have a positronic super-computer 4000 brain.  Superior to Data’s on Star Trek (or Star Wars)... something like that.

Q: As a robot, do you have feelings?

A: I’m not a robot. It’s just my brain. Of course I have feelings. I’m flesh-and-blood and a little antifreeze to prevent my brain from shutting down in the cold. In fact, I have a penis… so I have all the human emotions that a man can feel.  Lust and Anger.

Q: Are you married, because I want to marry you!

A: I’m sorry but Johnny Newsmaker is already married to the best gal in the world!  The Beautiful and Talented One (Mrs. BTO) completes Johnny, and dresses him and feeds him because the news doesn’t stop, and dammit, you the viewer deserve to know who's trying to make a quick buck off you!

Well folks, thanks for tuning in, that’s all for now. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… “Ron Paul Selling Gold on EBay Infomercial” only on Ranting-TV…