From the Evening Desk - McDoom?

You know dear readers, my robotic brain is capable of generating hundreds of great ideas per day. I don't bother to follow up on most of them simply because I do not have the time and, more often than not, another great idea is just a few seconds away.

I was thinking about how console game content downloads allows the end user to always have the latest version and content without having to much of anything. Video game producers are producing additional story lines, new weapons, new maps, songs, etc. Can you imagine playing Grand Theft Auto and the billboards update in real-time? I know Second Life is already doing this as well as quite a few online games.

But it looks like my idea was already stolen. In October last year, billboard ads featuring Barack Obama appeared in Burnout Paradise, which was released in January. EA confirmed that the Obama campaign paid for the advertisements, marking the first time that a US presidential candidate has bought in-game advertising.

Pretty cool, non-the-less.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "[Insert Product Placement Here]" only on Ranting-TV…

Video - Creepy Cool Clown Commercial

Breaking News - Rich Like a Pig!

Always compassionate towards the common man, I did the honorable thing and bought stock in a drug company that manufactures a vaccine for the flu. These guys profit big time and I want a piece of the action. If all this local-radio/TV hype goes on for a while, I win. If it's the real deal and it starts to wipe out humanity, I win. Unless I'm dead from the flu.

Hmmm... Howard Hughs may have been on to something. Better start sending Crachit out to do ALL my outworldly duties. And he will not be allowed inside my office for the forseeable future. We will communicate via GoogleTalk (after I install a virus scanner). I just can't take the risk. Good, it's nice to see that my mind is still sharp. I can't afford to start slipping up now. Just can't... get... sick. Must... stay... well.

Of course, I doubt that this thing will get bigger than SARS. The whole thing sounds like bullshit to me. A whole bunch of pigshit, if you will.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "This little Piggy went to the Hospital!" only on Ranting-TV…

Education Korner - Drug Testing and You

Just a friendly reminder from the good folks at RTNN. Just say to NO to jugs of drugs! Enjoy the following video presentation.



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "The Gallons and Galleons Hour" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - R.I.P. Pontiac

GM just announced that their Pontiac division will be shut down. It's a necessary step and while I have always felt that the products that came out of the division were excellent (G6/Solstice), this is what happens when you try to spread yourself too thin.

Of course, the G6 is a re-skinned Malibu and you can still buy the solstice as a Saturn Sky (which I think is an even better looking car).

Amazing how fast the auto industry is changing.

Commentary - From Hero to Zero

I really hate it when folk overstay their welcome. Roubini had his moment in the spotlight for a couple years, but it's over. Yet, this guy just won't go away.

The thing that's really funny (besides how WRONG he is) is that when the markets return to a normal uptrend and he is banished back to his classroom with his crazy, conspiracist, goldbug, coffin-humping followers, nobody will call him out on what a bone-head call he made when the DOW was at 6500 (predicting that we go even lower down to 5000). Jon Stewart won't have him on TV to belittle him, Strombolopoguphagus won't interview him, and CNBC won't return his phone calls. He will simply be forgotten.

So folks, beware professors professing doom. They don't have skin in the game. It's all ego.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Roubini's Wild Parties Vol.3!" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - Unfair Fight?

I don't think anything other than violent gyrations up and down in the market are in the cards for a while. It will take time for people to realize that they will not get another shot at buying stocks at historic lows. Maybe we pull back a little (5%), but that's it. Eventually the market WILL take off and we will add another 1000 points on the DOW.

Remember that the market is composed of buyers and sellers. The thing that has changed is that the US government is leaning hard on the buy side. They will do anything and everything to prevent economic collapse. Why would you want to fight that? It's not a fair fight, and eventually traders and investors will realize that. Only a fool would attempt to short the market for anything longer than a day or two at a time. You must be long. That's the logical position to take.

Never fight the fed. Their balance sheet is larger than yours. It's a rigged fight, so always bet on the bigger guy.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "You Can't Do That in City Hall!" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Reversal!

We are seeing good tape action in the market. It's acting exactly the way I thought it would. I don't think we will break 8000 on the DOW today, but even if we hold positive, that is a good enough signal that this market is still in an upward trend.

Roubini came out this morning and did the equivalent of screaming "fire" in a crowded theater. That guy is so wrong it's not even funny. He's not qualified to judge a Ms. California contest, never mind flaunt his wrongness around the Inter-webs. If you listened to him as an investor, you made no money in the past two months... even worse, if you shorted stocked, you got killed.

And the gold bugs didn't waste much time before blogging their ignorance, too. Look folks, all the money that there was to make in gold is done and it is due for a massive drop. Big time.

Breaking News - Return of the Clowns!

Today the clowns had a field day hopping from bull to bull. It was horrible. Although the move lower was orderly, and the news coming out wasn't all that bad, anybody long got screwed.

The bulls are getting jittery, bears are getting short and the sideliners are having a good laugh at all the idiot bulls.

I want to see what tomorrow is like. I presume that we will open lower and should close a lot higher. There are a lot of people who missed this rally and want another shot at +30% gains.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Cliffhanger 2009" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - Names

As a powerful, brilliant and wealthy individual, I am often asked for advice on many topics. I’ve helped name the iPod, the Fax machine and before the Internet existed it was going to be named “PronGambleServes”. I put an end to that, and suggested my own name. It’s not easy and you get this kind of power by naming things PronGambleAnything.

Unfortunately, I have not been consulted on everything. And when I don’t have the ability to name something, society loses. We all lose.

Nowadays, it seems that it’s the laziest folks who are naming things. Well, not so much naming; stealing existing terms would be more accurate. For example, pirates, toxic assets, and tea parties (ok the last one isn’t so bad), but you get the drift. Piracy means copied software or downloaded music. Toxic assets are bad mortgages on the books of the banks and a tea party is an anti-tax rally.

Unfortunately, these terms still have existing meanings. Um, we still have a little pirate problem on the seas, we haven’t dealt with actual toxic waste and when Sir Heaton J. Watkins III is hosting a tea party you scumbag protestors and your idiot signs are NOT welcome at his estate!

So, be creative… there are a lot of letters in the alphabet. Create some new words… mix a few together and create the next Fugsle children’s toy, K-52 machine gun, or simply hold a Pay-No-Tax party. It’s easy.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Deadly Software-Swapping Killers on the High Seas!" only on Ranting-TV…

Let's Make a Deal

"Patience and Sacrifice Yield Rewards". A favorite slogan of Mr. Richard Z. Pryck, CEO and Glorious Strategist of RTNN.



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Business. Plain and Simple" only on Ranting-TV…

This Just In - Haters!

All the smarty-pants economists and analysts are pissed off. Every day they come out on TV and make the same bear argument over and over again. They just can't understand how the market can keep climbing higher week after week. To them, they keep looking at their 3 month old data and keep making the same assumption. Round peg just won't fit in square hole. Why isn't the stock market doing what they have been preaching about?

Nobody believes in the rally. Everybody hates it and is trying to bet against it. These losers keep buying gold (for inflation, right?) and trading houses and hedgefunds who have lost major amounts of money trying to short the broad market are getting a butt-full of clown. Now they have had to switch to long positions, trying to make back their losses.

And so we continue to climb the "wall of worry". It's been a simple trade, but not an easy one. It's like a game of Jenga.

Everybody is hoping that the market will go back down to DOW 7000 or 6500. Not a chance. you missed it. All you fuck-ass "value" investors missed your chance. It's a mommentum market now. Deal with it, and stop bitching. If we see 7500, that will be it.

And all the smarty-pants continue to question the rally. They keep watching, they keep waiting. And the market continues to get away on them. Mr. Roubini, I'm talking to you.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Hedgefund Managers Gone Wild!" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Rosetta Stone IPO

Rosetta Stone just IPO'ed this morning. The stock was priced at $18 and looks like it will open up $25. This is very good news for the market in general.

First, it's a very good sign to see a successful, well-received IPO's in a weak economy. This IPO reminds me of the Mastercard IPO (at $40).

It looks to me like it was deliberately priced low to encourage buyers.

If you were able to secure stock (at $18) you would be able to flip it into the open market at $25 today. That's close to a 40% pop. Yes, it's a peace offering to shareholders.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "IPO UPO" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Dead Pirates!

This is the only way to deal with pirates... har!

It appears that Somali pirates have vowed retaliation for the killings, threatening the US and French. Now it's time to start putting bounties on the heads of some of these senior pirates. When the pickings start to get thin, they will start to feast on each other.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Navy Seals pwns Pirate Assholes" only on Ranting-TV…

Happy Easter!

This Just In - Fiat Hostages

More hostage taking, this time at Fiat. Three fiat managers were negotiating job cuts with union when workers stormed the room and detained the managers.

Are you fucking kidding me? Maybe the European unions are taking a page out of the African terrorist playbook. It's just one copycat after another. I can't believe that these managers aren't bringing in a couple armed security guards with them in the meetings. What a joke.

Is there no law and order anymore? Get the military in there. Put an end to this. It's just one hostage situation after another. Time to put these clowns in jail for a decade or so.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Law and Order: Italy" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - Pirates!

I don’t trust clowns and I really don’t trust pirates.

Pirates were something that we thought were gone forever. Like the black plague, polio and Vanilla Ice. We use to dress up as pirates for Halloween and the candy that we had was our treasure. It is fashionable to name products and companies after famous pirates. We name sports teams after them. We have movies about them. Even the term "piracy" nowadays, means that you made a copy of a video game or downloaded a song from some offshore website. Not exactly a hangable offence.

No doubt, modern-day pirates are nothing more than terrorists. They are criminals who found a way to game the system. They hold people (and in the case of oil tankers, the environment) hostage until they get paid.

The other day, I heard some talking head on TV trying to make the point that so far no hostages have been killed. Her point was that since the pirates haven't turned violent, that they won't in the future. Look, the $150 million paid out last year to pirates, was chicken feed. These things always go one way. More piracy and bigger ransoms. Finally, the ransoms get too big and too public, and pirates start killing hostages. It’s just a matter of time.

Others try to defend them, by portraying them as Robin Hoods. They justify the pirates actions because they are poor. Oh, really? Have you seen the equipment these guys use? One AK-47 would buy a lot of bread. No, they aren’t interested in helping anybody but themselves. They make Bernie Madoff look like a saint.

So, after the pirates kill the captain and dump his body overboard, we will see how the bleeding hearts feel about those lovable ol’ pirates. Har! I’m sure they will find some way to justify it, and blame it on the west somehow, just like they always do.

Scurvy dogs!

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Har!" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - China

It was stated that over the past six months, the Pentagon spent at least $100 million dollars securing their networks from cyber attacks. Some of these attacks came from other countries… namely China and Russia. You know, our good friends.

In the old days we ran propaganda videos showing American school children hiding under their desks, neighbors turning on each other and what life would be like if the Soviets ran America. And for the most part, it worked.

What’s changed? Well, the difference is that we weren’t all connected electronically back then. Just today, it was discovered that the US electrical grid was exposed to hackers. That’s right; it’s our good friends the communist Chinese, again.

We need to start a campaign. A campaign that’s appropriate for this age.

"National Security Begins With You"

My NSBWY campaign would focus on small networks and home computers. For national security, Microsoft and Apple would be allowed to include free virus and malware scanners in their operating system, much to the chagrin of Symantec. I would run advertisements on the Internet, on radio, in newspapers and on TV about doing your part to help fight the electronic war on the United States.

Having an unprotected PC on the Internet would become as reckless as drunk driving. You will be shunned from your family, friends and it will put your job in jeopardy. Eventually, I hope my campaign will become part of the social fabric of America. I’d like router device companies like Cisco and Juniper to do their part and block Chinese and Russian IP addresses outright. It’s not like we need to talk to anybody there anyway. Ideally, we could have Google start re-routing Chinese and Russian websites to a US government website indicating the dangers of visiting foreign domains. Hopefully, by this time we will have built two separate Internets. The clean American one and the virus-infected, hackable, malware-ridden one. It will be glorious! And at last, safe.

Electronically, at least.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Ping Pong 24 hour Tournament" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - Golden Bubble

The relationship between the business media and bubbles is an interesting thing.

Take oil last year, for example. I followed the price of oil each day as it climbed higher and higher. The really interesting thing about that was how the business media would simply invent a new story to support the new higher price of oil.

These stories ranged from worker strikes, bombings, OPEC talks, threats from North Korea or Iran, changes in the dollar, drilling delays, even maintenance shutdowns. It was madness. Oil moves became an obsession for the media. CNBC even ran an oil ticker on the lower right side of the screen all day. Yeah, that’s bizarre.

I use to make up my own headlines, “Saudi Farts, Oil up $4”. And I would have been right, too. Why not? It’s not like there was any truth to any of these stories.

On any given day, each business news organization would print their own reason for the move. Bloomberg would blame the weak dollar, ROB would blame a looming Nigerian strike, and CNBC would blame Kim Jong-il. Well, he did invent oil, after all. Right?

But the fact of the matter is that oil was up because it was a bubble. And what usually happens right before a bubble pops, is a last surge (super-spike of buyers) at the end. It can take your breath away. This is what happened with oil, for example. There was NO reason for oil to spike in 2008. None. Everything was already melting down, the economy was tanking, and yet nobody could believe what was happening in the pits. Rampant speculation in oil.

I think gold is poised for its last spike. I don’t know when… maybe this fall, maybe next spring but it could possibly double to $2000/oz. Then, after a few months, it will begin to crash all the way back to $300.

Why do I say this? Well, because the media are back up to their old tricks. Gold is front-page news again and that’s not right. The stories being printed about inflation and end-of-the-world scenarios don’t make any sense. The journalists are always justifying it by quoting some gold bug saying how there is “real buying” out there (as oppose to what?). And the number of commercials out there for buying gold is up 10 times! People holding gold only make money if they can convince other people to buy it as well. That makes their holdings more valuable.

Once it super-spikes, the party will be over. And it’s the regular Joe, with half his wealth in gold who will be cleaning up.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Gold! Gold! Gold!" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - Malawi

My grandmother, an immigrant from the old country, would receive letters from her parents, aunts, uncles, brothers and cousins. Most of these letters were nothing more than guilt-laden stories about the hardships they faced back home.

"Send money!" they would write.

And although money was very tight and she was raising a family of her own, she would send it. But a few months later, another letter would arrive. Sometimes the stories would get confused. For example, an aunt would die, but next year she’s celebrating Christmas with the family, again. This abusive pattern continued for years. She would write back to them, explaining that she did not have any extra money, but would send what she could. But they would beg for more. Until she finally had enough. The money stopped.

A year went by, then the letters from the old country stopped, too.

Madonna’s situation in Malawi reminded me of my grandmother’s story. This whole adoption denial fuckery really has nothing to do with the welfare of the child.

So, all of a sudden, these local human rights groups care about providing these kids with exposure to Malawi culture? Oh, give me a break. The only culture in Malawi is learning to be poor. Is begging for food culture? How about learning how to cheat, lie and steal what you need to survive? The crooked Malawi judges, lawyers, government officials and lobbyist groups are setting a fine example of how to extort money from anybody who steps foot in their cesspool of a country.

Nope. It’s all about greed.

That’s the number one reason. Extort money from rich celebrities. First a little, then more, then more and finally try to take everything. The back-door dealing would make a person sick. And in the end, its the child who suffers.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Law and Order: Africa" only on Ranting-TV…

This Just In - LED Sheep!

Mrs. BTO, who holds a lot of sway around RTNN headquarters, requested the following sheep video. In fact, all week I shall present viewers with all-things-sheep, starting with the following presentation. Enjoy!



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "I Don't Give a Bleep!" only on Ranting-TV…

From the Morning Desk - Protesters pt. 2

If you ever wanted proof that people, not government or big business really have the final say, witness the chicanery happening all over the world. Protests, violence and general anger have poured into the streets. Even countries are pissed with each other. China is acting like a little bitch and nobody is talking to France. Everybody hates the US, but because she gets all the attention from the boys, the other countries have to be friends with her. Canada gets to go to all the parties, but she needs to quietly ride in the back seat and just make sure that the US’s hair looks great.

You know, I was going to say something along the lines about understanding all the outrage, seeing the point of the protestors, and generally empathizing with the common man. Then I was going to qualify it by stating that by preventing a financial collapse, we can avoid a systemic collapse of the western world.

But I can't do it.

Fuck it. I fucking hate protestors. It’s the lowest form of communication. Whistling at women, "woo-yooing" from a limo, and answering a question with a fart are more productive communication techniques. Most of the douche bags at the G20 are professional protestors who generally move from political event to political event doing what they do best.

And the situation in France is even worse. You can’t allow these fucking quazi-communist Plumber Joes to take their bosses hostage, threatening bodily harm and then reward them when they release them. That’s really illegal, and bad for democracy and freedom. Not to mention that the government is scared of these hooligans. That’s not good. Is that really where we want to go as a society? What’s next? Are they going to start be-heading middle management? Fucking ingrates really deserve ten years in prison, not a raise.

Truly, it would bring a tear to my eye to see the military march all over these fucking assholes. Governments need to put an end to this bullshit right now, before it gets worse.

Why all the hostility? Well, quite frankly, I like having my ATM spit out dollars (not fucking gold) and I want my life insurance to actually be valid. I want to know that EVERY store out there accepts cash. It’s important that gold, Canadian Tire dollars and Monopoly money do not replace existing currency. I want the stock market to CONTINUE to rise. I don’t want to build a moat around my house. I don’t want to dedicate an entire room of my home for guns and ammo. I want to drive my sports cars around without fear of losing my wheels at the stoplight. And, putting bars on the windows of my mansion would just look lame. In general, I do not want society to degenerate into the stone age.

So, to all the terrorists around the world protesting against "evil bankers" (whatever the fuck that means), just shut the fuck up and go back to class. Right now, you are the biggest threat to the security of the world. Pretty soon, sensible tax payers will see that.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Survivor New York" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Bewildered Armchair Traders

Ha! DOW is up 153 points. Even though we opened down 1%, it didn't matter, the credit markets were indicating bullishness. The fixed income market has been telling you all sorts of things. Hedgefunds want to buy toxic assets. The government will do anything and everything it can to prevent the Great Depression 2. It's important to remember to not focus on this quarter (it's going to shit the bed), the market is looking out six months from now.

I think there are too many regular folks out there listening to the doom-wishing, coffin-humping, bear-loving fools. Don't let yourself get too negative. It's way too late for that. The horse left the barn. Or should I say bull?

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Rags to Riches to Rockets" only on Ranting-TV…

Guest Columnist - Heaven with Dr. Mike

I'm a believer! I believe that mice and men come from the same place. Mice and men have the same genes, but they are turned on and off in different sequences. For example, a fish develops fins instead of arms because of inherited time-frames for gene activities. The same gene that develops fins for fish is the same gene that develops arms for humans. All creatures are unique, but they come from the same source.

If you are lucky enough to be human, then you will go to heaven. Upon research of various interweb sites, I have determined that mice, rats, and Tasmanian devils go to hell! Actually I think that all animals, that aren't human, just rot away after death.

To form this drastic opinion, I have tuned in to many cable channels that prove the existence of dead people communicating with the living. I have never, ever witnessed a ghostly tape-worm attempting to burrow into the lower bowels of an unsuspecting human. Therefore, because of no proof of the existence of tape-worm ghosts, I am convinced that humans are the only living creatures that exist beyond death.

Or, maybe cute puppies and, perhaps, chimpanzees go to heaven or hell or whatever! Hey, as long as a human relates to you (as an inferior living being) as a reasonably close to human specimen, then you will probably have an afterlife. If an animal is intelligent, then I believe he may have heaven in his future.

I have developed a cut-off line for the intelligence-to-heaven formula. Luckily for some salamanders, they have taken the place of many human-kind in heaven!

Dr. Mike Ramps, FOS

About our Author: An expert on morally judging rabbits, chickens and deer, Mike Ramps, Ph.d, FOS, is a mentally-certified prairie-nutritionist. A disturbing and unusual man, he routinely performs a wide range of surgery from the comforts of his own van and has authored many books such as: The 100 Most Effective Ways to Cook Wildlife with a Bunsen Burner, The 100 Easiest Surgeries to do on Yourself, and The Erotic Tales of Sha-boo-ka in Animalland. Learn more about Dr. Mike and download one of his free audio courses from www.vanmansurgeries.com