My last post was May 8th. I have been inundated by questions from desperate fans of this blog. I should explain my whereabouts.As an ace reporter I was undercover working on my greatest story yet. I was staying at a lovely cabin near Silver Creek, Colorado working on my project. After finishing, I got into my 65 Mustang and began my trip back home to present my work to my boss Bob D. Ogre. But I was caught out in a blizzard and my car went off the road. I think I heard somebody talking to me... but I blacked out.
When I awoke, I found myself in a house and I was greeted by a woman named Annie Wilco. She went on to explain that she was a nurse and she had to set the bones in both my legs, and snapped my shoulder back into place (the accident dislocated it). She provided me with orange pain pills every two hours. She fed me, changed my bandages and always made sure my legs where tugged into the bedsheets.
Annie told me that she was my number one fan and avid viewer of all things RTNN. Her favorite post was my rant on facial yoga. She memorized the entire post and was able to recite it from memory. I had a good feeling about her.
Unfortunately, I was unable to contact anybody since the phone lines, cell towers and Internet access were all out. Well, that's what Annie told me.
A week later, a strange event occurred. Annie was feeding me soup one evening and all of a sudden she started to rant about how much I swear in my posts. She wanted me to stop using curse words... she was a god-fearing woman and felt that I was a dirty bird when I swore.
"Do I ask how the fuck the postman is doing this morning?", she screamed, "Maybe I should just add shit to everything I say, like those morons on Trailer Park Boys!"
I didn't say a word. Frankly, it shocked me... She apologized the next day for her outburst. "Oh, Johnny, I'm your number one fan! You are a genius! All other blogs are 3rd tierd. RTNN is my life!", she commented to me on an hourly basis.
One cold, rainy night she came into my room with a knife.
"I was just chopping onions, but it looks like the phone lines are back up. So I called the hospital and asked the ambulance to come get you. They should be here in a few minutes. They will take you to the hospital. I'm so relieved that you are going to be ok."
I thanked Annie profusely for saving my life before I was taken to the hospital. I just returned home. What a super lady!
Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Misery" only on Ranting-TV…
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