Breaking News - Cats Go Inside Coke Box!

By popular demand, RTNN is please to present you with more soft news stories. In this next feature we will witness the awe-inspiring, goofiness and cuteness of two crazy, "coked-up" cats. Will they go into the coke box? Will they try to get into the freezer? Will Egan and Otto both attempt to get into the coke box at the same time? Will the man drink a can of coke? We'll answer these questions and more so stay tuned...



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Drugstore CatBox" only on Ranting-TV…

Mothermarket Clown-Rapes Investors

This just in folks. In case you haven’t noticed, anybody long in today’s tape got absolutely killed. Of course, the market was led lower by financials and materials. Rim announced some bad news which didn’t help the Nasdaq and generally overall the market was held hostage by some short selling fuckery.

Of course, there is always some bozo financial expert coming on TV telling people that this is an opportunity to invest. Investing in this market like playing russian roulette, with a loaded revolver, and the guy to the right of you just blew his brains all over the table. Your turn? What’s the matter? Come on! It's an opportunity... don't you see?

The market today looks absolutely wrecked. No buyers. Shorts are piling on. And everyday there’s another fraud being uncovered (today it was Stanford Financial). Nobody has any conviction or confidence anymore. And I don't blame them one bit.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Kids, Klowns, Karnivals and Kurrency" only on Ranting-TV…

Guest Columnist - Dr. Mike Ramps, FOS

About our Author: Mike Ramps, Ph.d, FOS, is a mentally-certified prairie-nutritionist and a nationally known expert on most things in general. A disturbing and unusual man, he routinely performs a wide range of surgery from the comforts of his own van and has authored many books such as: The 100 Most Effective Ways to Cook Wildlife with a Bunsen Burner, The 100 Easiest Surgeries to do on Yourself, and The Erotic Tales of Sha-boo-ka in Cockland. Learn more about Dr. Mike and download one of his free audio courses at www.vanmansurgeries.com.

10 or Less Reasons to Eat Gophers by Dr. Mike:

1. In these tough economic times, they are a plentiful and free food source.
2. Hides make great coats - need lots, but you should be eating lots.
3. They don't feel pain, just like fish - unproven, but likely.
4. Skeleton art! Need I say more?
5. Thousands, if not millions of slow-cooker recipes available out there.
6. Easily start a home-based business in gopherdermy. Sell on EBay.
7. Free pets for your children until the 'time comes'.
8. Teaches your children about how to deal with their emotions (see above). But time will tell.
9. Learn trapping and/or aiming techniques. You can never have too many skills in these tough economic times.

In these drastic economic times, we must think outside-the-box. You may have some anti-gopher-eating (A.G.E.) activists say that you 'can't to this!'.

You can tell them, 'Yes we can!'

-- UPDATE: We have just learned that Dr. Mike was attacked shortly after leaving our building by A.G.E. activists/terrorists. He is currently in his van attempting to perform life-saving surgery on himself. We wish the best of luck to you, doc!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "The Sumos vs. Surgeons Show" only on Ranting-TV…