Educate Yourself - R2D2 Speaks!

Have ever wondered what R2D2 is saying every time he beeps and boops? I'm sure most Star Wars geeks already figured it out, but for the rest of us RTNN has the following video presentation. Enjoy!



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Star Wars XI - This One Sucks Too!" only on Ranting-TV…

Scared of the Stock Market?

It's true, anybody who has been long stock in this market over the past year has been clown raped. But remember folks, it won't last forever. The following video presentation shows just how to deal with your fear of the stock market. Don't fear the clown!



Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Does Anyone Like Clowns?" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Frank on Uptick Rule

The bear and clown slaughter persists without relief. Every fucking day for the past month, asshole short sellers continued to press their bets. Until today. Today, the bulls (who I've named Rocky) have said enough!

And the bulls continue the rampage.

Barney Frank just announced that they are considering re-implementing the uptick rule. The rule is designed to prevent the bear-raids that we have been seeing over the past year. This news just added fuel to the fire and the market moved up another leg. It was way too easy making money on the short side for bears. That’s not a good reason to push stocks down. Stupid (non-critical thinking) people who are making too much money in the stock market always is the sign of a bottom/top. We saw the same damn thing in November.

Don’t underestimate how high we can bounce from here. There are going to be some big moves in stocks. And it’s the doom and gloom, coffin-humping, bear-shitters who are going to lose money! That’s the natural order of things. They will continue to talk their game, but their portfolios are going to turn into shit.

These things ALWAYS turn out the same way. This time is not any different. Markets ALWAYS recover and always go up over time.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "When Bulls Attack!" only on Ranting-TV…

Breaking News - Clown Punching Day!

It’s time to go punch some clowns, folks! We are so oversold, it’s about time that we get a monster rally going. Question is, will the bulls continue buying or will it simply be shorts running for the hills, only to return later? If we don’t get some real buying soon, the shorts will simply continue to pound down stocks to nothing. I hope we can sustain something for at least a week.

I hear the Rocky music, eye of the tiger, playing in the background. Rocky about to return! He may be bloody and beaten-down, but he is about to lay the law down and show those fuck-ass bears who’s the champ! Rocky! Rocky!

If you are a bear and are short, you will be punched hard. It is going to be a painful couple days for you. Respect the champ!

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Sixteen hours of Pre-Boxing Video" only on Ranting-TV…

Guest Columnist - Hygiene with Dr. Mike

Okay, okay...so I'm not necessarily the healthiest mobile van surgeon out there. I smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol, and eat less gophers than I personally recommend as a world renowned prairie nutritionist. I rarely get physically ill perhaps only because I am blessed with a good immune system at this point in my life. Despite my many healthy lifestyle shortcomings, I do take one sickness-prevention habit seriously. I wash my fucking hands!

I wash my hands after every single stint in the restroom. It doesn't matter what I am doing there...I wash my hands whether I touch my unmentionable or not! I lather up after any numbered bathroom protocol...1, 2, or 3 (3 equals 1 and 2, mixed together, of course.) Maybe, just maybe...my clean hands have aided in my good health streak, especially after finger-lickin' Cheetos escapades.

If you don't care about the people you're preparing food for, then don't wash your hands. We all see movies where a teen-ager is working at a fast food restaurant for minimum wage. He will add snot, ear wax, and even a smidgen of dandruff to your meal + more if you piss him off! He doesn't know you, so who cares! I, however, wash my manicured digits before I prepare all meals, even if I'm not the one eating them! I must continue to set a good example because of my standing in the prairie-health community. Can you imagine the media attention I'd get if I was caught scratching my scrotum over a taco salad?

Should you be washing your hands 24 hours a day? No! Otherwise you would lose your hand-skin! Hand-skin is one of the most underrated skins on the human body!

When should you wash your hands?
After every shit, piss, or discreet erotic episode alone in the little boys/girls room!
After reading a toilet-humour book, whether you're in the bathroom or not. They can't be trusted.
Before and after you pick your nose/ass!
After you go grocery shopping. Other people push those carts just after picking their noses/asses!
After touching another animal, especially a dung beetle.
After removing matter from toes, navels, and arm pits.

There are more instances in which hand-washing would be recommended, but I feel that the above list covers the most important situation. If this article improves the hand hygiene of just one disgusting human, it will be worth all the effort I just made.

Dr. Mike

About our Author: Mike Ramps, Ph.d, FOS, is a mentally-certified prairie-nutritionist and a nationally known expert on most things in general. A disturbing and unusual man, he routinely performs a wide range of surgery from the comforts of his own van and has authored many books such as: The 100 Most Effective Ways to Cook Wildlife with a Bunsen Burner, The 100 Easiest Surgeries to do on Yourself, and The Erotic Tales of Sha-boo-ka in WeeWeeland. Learn more about Dr. Mike and download one of his free audio courses from his website.