Guest Columnist - The Sun King

About our Author: Louis XIV aka The Sun King needs no introduction, plus nobody around here really wants to piss off a French Monarch so let's just leave it at that, shall we? To receive this column au francais, please press "2" now. Thank you.

Dear Leaders and Readers: There comes a time in the history of Mankind, a turning point where everything changes. Society first progresses, goes on its merry way with its wars, poverty, diseases and the occasional Eureka, and then as Douglas Adams so aptly put it, it enters The Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul.

The return of the Dark Ages is upon us all and as the historians of the future will be at a loss to pinpoint the exact cause, I, the Sun King, never humble but always helpful (After all I single-handedly ushered in the French Revolution) must say that I have found, if you will, this new Sacking of Rome, except that this time the Barbarians at the Gate are us.

The unassuming City of Hamilton, Ontario harbors our Doom. A woman there, turning her back on centuries of technological advances that finally delivered bacteria-free food and cold beer has decided to unplug her fridge. Why? You may ask. Well climate change of course. As anybody (not me, I had servants) who had to dress like an arctic explorer to put their garbage to the curb will testify Global warming Bring it on.

I know your objections. What about the cute Polar bears? Well I am not Stephen Colbert whatever he may think. I happen to love bears and I have a solution that should satisfy all. Let's round up all those bears and build huge zoos thereby providing 1000's of jobs. I too can be progressive. The bears would be happy. No more wandering for ever on the frozen banks in search of food. Fish would be delivered daily and if they became too lazy we would give free admission to recipients of the Darwin award and let nature take its course. Everybody would win.

Well that is one vision anyway. I have little hope however that it will come true. The yuppies have become the rubes. How very, very sad. It turns out, you see, that the greening of our brains that we referred too with such pride was only just rot after all. Thanks to me, the Sun King you all know better now and you too can exclaim forcefully: After us the Flood!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Darwin Awards Live Broadcast with a Special Appearence from The Jackass Copycat Troupe!" only on Ranting-TV…