Guest Columnist - Studies with Dr. Mike

I'm not a huge TV watcher because it's mostly just a bunch of shit 'reality' shows. People like them, but to each his own, I guess. There are a few programs that I'll watch, though, when I'm not using my scalpel. Recently I tuned into a pretty good talk show, however I was quite perturbed by what the good host had the nerve to promote.

Apparently there is a new study about sexually explicit music. It's been proven that 41% of teens that listen to sexually explicit songs have pre-marital sex. Teens that do not listen to these 'terrible' songs only have a 20% chance of giving-up-my-virginity-when-I-shouldn't-according-to-someone rate. I sure hope that a government grant was given for this 'scientific' study! It sounds like our society may need changing. We must find a way to get rid of the filth that is causing this immoral teen sex!

I'll tell you what's wrong with this biased study...it's not blind! Even though I don't trust blind people, clowns, or people with two first names...like John Scott or Bobby Bob, I think that any recognized study should be, at least, a little unfocused on a specific outcome. Don't you think that, perhaps, the teens that listen to evil sex music may be more likely to have sex because of their genetically predetermined kick-ass attitudes? Is it possible that the Frigid Virgin Jesus Teens (F.V.J.T.) may not be the regular consumers of devil sex CDs? Yes...great fuck'n study!

I've thought of a few studies that may give lobby groups what they need to force the government to censor everything...I mean everything required to bring our society to a morality of excellence!

Did you know that 99% of children, under 2 years of age that have fingers, tend to pick their asses. The other 1% do not pick (or even scratch) their asses. The result of this study is obvious. Children with fingers are susceptible to ass-picking and scratching. Anti-ecoli activists have been pushing for their I.F.G. cause. The government has taken Infant Finger Removal under very serious consideration due to this new scientific development.

-- Dr. Mike

About our Author: Mike Ramps, Ph.d, FOS, is a mentally-certified prairie-nutritionist and a nationally known expert on most things in general. A disturbing and unusual man, he routinely performs a wide range of surgery from the comforts of his own van and has authored many books such as: The 100 Most Effective Ways to Cook Wildlife with a Bunsen Burner, The 100 Easiest Surgeries to do on Yourself, and The Erotic Tales of Sha-boo-ka in Whoopieland. Learn more about Dr. Mike and download one of his free audio courses from www.vanmansurgeries.com