From the Morning Desk - Bob Cratchit?!

Good morning folks. I receive many letters from viewers just like you and I feel it's part of my job to answer the questions that you may have. This week I’m getting a lot of questions about Robert Cratchit (my assistant). Being the ace reporter and journalist that I am, I’m here to answer them for you. Just part of RTNN’s commitment to the truth.

Q: Who is Bob Cratchit?

A: Bob is my assistant and constant pain in my ass (I’m just kidding). He knows a place where they make good coffee.

Q: What are Bob’s hobbies?

A: Oh, I don’t know. He seems to really like filing papers. And he’s wearing a helmet around the office since returning from the hospital, so I can only assume that he started playing some sort of contact sport.

Q: Why aren’t you more sensitive to Bob’s problems?

A: My mission, besides being an ace reporter, is to help Bob with his problems. He’s scared of flying. He wanted to know if he could use the company CD player to listen to his fear of flying audio CD’s, after work. No way. I said.

“Bob, I’m going to help you get over your fears the same way that killer clown in the park helped me! By having to DEAL WITH IT!”

“Sir, I just… need access to the… CD player… and…”

“Nonsense! I need you to fact check a story that I’m doing on a woman with eight kids. She claims that two of them look like Elvis. This could be a big story. I’ve booked the plane trip already.”

And I’ll continue to send him on trips, over and over until his fears go away. How can you say that I’m not sensitive to Bob’s mental illness?

Q: Does Bob ever threaten to quit?

A: It’s wonderful for Bob to be surrounded by the best people in the businesses. It’s an honour to work for me. If he quit, who is going to get my coffee in the morning? If I don’t have my coffee I can’t write. If I can’t write, you the viewer suffers. You will be confused by the world, unable to differentiate fact from fiction. General chaos ensues.

Bob, you sonofabitch, I know that last question was from you! Just for that, I’m docking half a days pay. And you can be sure that on Christmas eve, you will be working ALL day! Ha Ha Ha, just messing around with you buddy, chump, friend… but not about the half-day’s pay.

Folks, this is Johnny Newsmaker signing off. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "Airplaney II - Down We Go!" only on Ranting-TV…