Guest Columnist - Talking Food with Dr. Mike

Where do you start? As a top expert, Dr. Mike Ramps, FOS (mentally certified prairie nutritionist) I have a few opinions to express.

What's with the “cholesterol free” slogans all over the packaged broccoli on the shelf. You consume cholesterol from animal fat! Shouldn't we be able to take for granted that this broccoli hasn't been fried in cow/goat/gopher fat?

Well, the “0% trans-fat” claims are pretty common-place now on snacks. These snacks are now good for you, right? What else...let me think. Should I get into “natural” health? If it's natural it must be okay, right? I'm not sure I can name a product that's not natural, except for the nuclear Viagra I re-sell.

“Organic” stuff is obviously good for you too! Don't worry about e-coli, though (its organic, too!) Pre/pro-biotic foods sound like they must have been manufactured by geniuses. Why is it that only yogurt is considered biotic? There must be other biotic foods out there. Is this break-through science? Then the questions of whether carbohydrates should be the major focus of our diet start to come up… or it that protein? Shit, (pardon the pun) I should have been paying more attention to the diet infomercials that I was watching at 3am.

And really, what ever happened to the 5-second rule? When your food falls on the floor, ground or barn-stall you must pick it up within 5 seconds. Otherwise it's been contaminated. Why can't we still live by these types of common-sense rules? Besides the black plague, most germs still follow the 5-second rule these days.

When a consumer looks at a product that makes claims about containing real fruit, maybe they should look at how much actual fruit is in the bag of shit! Maybe he or she should realize that it's freekin’ candy just like the similar looking stuff in the candy aisle. Does this person know that concentrated fruit juice is full of concentrated sugar as well? Would you let your child eat 37 oranges? Well, think about that when your fat child drinks 4 glasses of tang! Oh yeah, it may be “natural” sugar.

With all these fantastic products out there that have all of these improvements, why is everyone so overweight and unhealthy? Are we being fooled by marketing schemes? Should we be blaming the companies that make these products? I think that we are fat because we are lazy and apathetic. We have no desire to eat healthy. We don't want to take the time to actually read the back of the package. We only have the time to eat conveniently. Don't forget that most of the convenient, and cheap, foods are saturated in salt. That's how a package of so-called food, which can sit on the shelf for 30 years, can still have flavour. Appetizing, no?

Personally, I make sure that I smoke light cigarettes. At least I'm doing something for my health. All you other lazy no-brainers can smoke your regulars and die early!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming… "80 Years of Fast Food. Still Edible!" only on Ranting-TV…

About our Author: Mike Ramps, Ph.d, FOS, is a mentally-certified prairie-nutritionist and a nationally known expert on most things in general. A disturbing and unusual man, he routinely performs a wide range of surgery from the comforts of his own van and has authored many books such as: The 100 Most Effective Ways to Cook Wildlife with a Bunsen Burner, The 100 Easiest Surgeries to do on Yourself, and The Erotic Tales of Sha-boo-ka in Peepeeland. Learn more about Dr. Mike and download one of his free audio courses from his website.